How do you plan for a bank full of nuns?
Wow – I must have really been in a stressed out frame of mind when I wrote that last update, as it is awful writing. Just dreadful. I was reading it again today and almost embarrassed by it. I will have to work harder on making my entries sounds better when read.
I need to become more passionate about my work-out, my exercise, and my eating. And I run quite well, that isn’t the problem, I don’t think, it is just getting focused. That lazer-like focus I had earlier this year that I seemed to have lost.
I ran every day last week except Wednesday. That included Sunday. 6 days I ran, 3 miles each day in 30 minutes. And I gained weight last week. I know I will lose it by Wednesday, but the problem for me is thinking about how I will have to eat this amount of food for the rest of my life.
I have shown anytime this summer that I have eaten more calories for any small amount of time I will gain weight. I know I will lose it, but I don’t want to have to watch everything I eat for the rest of my life.
I guess that thought is just bothering me right now. Just tired of having to be fucking vigilant about this on such of a regular basis. I just know too many people who stay the same weight more or less and have for years without the struggle of writing down everything they eat or even if they exercise on a regular basis or not.
It’s just the way I am feeling today. Tired of it all, to be honest.
The episode of the cartoon “American Dad” last night really hit home for me. (And my first sad thought is "Great, I'm getting inspiration from a second rate cartoon now - pathetic!) Stan, the father, went through half the episode and he looked in the mirror and was huge, sweatpants bulging from his fat, and he thought even his work even placed him on medical leave because he was so fat…and then they show you from his family’s point of view, and he is incredibly skinny, emaciated, to the point of being ill and weak, and this is why he was placed on medical leave. And the second they switched views from his to his family, I know how Stan felt (I realize it is a cartoon character, but it was what the story was saying at that moment, right when I was feeling whale-like, that hit home for me.)
I sat around from about Saturday afternoon feeling enormous, feeling like I was so over the top fat that I couldn’t believe humans would even look directly at me for fear that if they made eye contact with them, I’d eat them. Today, I sit here wearing my size 38 jeans that I know are baggy on me, knowing I am over 40 pounds lighter than I was a year ago, and yet I feel HUGE! My self image is bad today.
I wonder what that is all about?
I need to become more passionate about my work-out, my exercise, and my eating. And I run quite well, that isn’t the problem, I don’t think, it is just getting focused. That lazer-like focus I had earlier this year that I seemed to have lost.
I ran every day last week except Wednesday. That included Sunday. 6 days I ran, 3 miles each day in 30 minutes. And I gained weight last week. I know I will lose it by Wednesday, but the problem for me is thinking about how I will have to eat this amount of food for the rest of my life.
I have shown anytime this summer that I have eaten more calories for any small amount of time I will gain weight. I know I will lose it, but I don’t want to have to watch everything I eat for the rest of my life.
I guess that thought is just bothering me right now. Just tired of having to be fucking vigilant about this on such of a regular basis. I just know too many people who stay the same weight more or less and have for years without the struggle of writing down everything they eat or even if they exercise on a regular basis or not.
It’s just the way I am feeling today. Tired of it all, to be honest.
The episode of the cartoon “American Dad” last night really hit home for me. (And my first sad thought is "Great, I'm getting inspiration from a second rate cartoon now - pathetic!) Stan, the father, went through half the episode and he looked in the mirror and was huge, sweatpants bulging from his fat, and he thought even his work even placed him on medical leave because he was so fat…and then they show you from his family’s point of view, and he is incredibly skinny, emaciated, to the point of being ill and weak, and this is why he was placed on medical leave. And the second they switched views from his to his family, I know how Stan felt (I realize it is a cartoon character, but it was what the story was saying at that moment, right when I was feeling whale-like, that hit home for me.)
I sat around from about Saturday afternoon feeling enormous, feeling like I was so over the top fat that I couldn’t believe humans would even look directly at me for fear that if they made eye contact with them, I’d eat them. Today, I sit here wearing my size 38 jeans that I know are baggy on me, knowing I am over 40 pounds lighter than I was a year ago, and yet I feel HUGE! My self image is bad today.
I wonder what that is all about?
posted by Mike at 11:48 AM
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