Bang your head! Metal Health'll drive you mad!

I have been having a strange week. I mean, I know that anytime you have a near death experience (and, for me, last Friday would be considered a near death experience) things change, but this is just...strange.

I am walking around almost in fear that my current life is like the Ambrose Bierce short story An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge. I feel sometimes like this isn't happening, it is just my unconscious mind covering up the last moments of my life before I smash into the windshield. I mean, I didn't feel any specific pains or true injuries associated with being flung into the front of a vehicle in a high speed accident. I don't remember anything about the accident.

Also, as much as my friends are alive and that makes me happy, they are both in pain, and that gives me this weird survivors guilt. I mean, why don't I have these problems? Shouldn't I have more pains and problems? Except for some minor aches and the four staples (and yes, they are actual steel staples) in my head, I am now almost recovered. Why are my friends still off work and in pain? I have to work through this, don't I?

And, of course, this is giving me little motivation to eat right and exercise. Actually, the doctor who gave me my discharge instructions noted he didn't want me running or doing any type of heavy exercise, but I could easily be walking on the treadmill instead of sitting like a blob in front of the television. I could be careful about what I am eating, instead I'm devouring anything in my feeling that "I almost died Friday, why deprive myself?" mode.

And now, instead of being thrilled to have lived, I've turned this into some pity party for myself. I am feeling quite pathetic at the moment, to be honest.

I don't know if this is normal after a horrific car accident, but it is scary. So my life is just so fucking sunshine and lollipops these days. And I have it easy, to be honest.

Oh, and I know I could have quoted so many other song lyrics for the title of this entry, like John Lennon's Nobody Told Me ("Nobody told me there'd be days like these...strange days indeed") or Beautiful Boy ("Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"). Hell, I could have even used Frank Sinatra's My Way ("The record shows I took the blows - and did it my way.") Instead, I banged my head on a the car, and I have 4 metal staples in my head, so I've been singing Quiet Riot's Bang Your Head all week long. I wonder if that is part of this Survivor's Guilt thing. Dr. Melfi, where are you in my hour of need???