"He's not a lover, he's not a one night stand. He's someone in between, to lend the occasional hand" - Fuck Buddy, Pansy Division

I’m not doing so well today. I don’t try act like I am the most moral person in the world, but I have to admit that maybe something I’ve been doing hasn’t made me feel so good. Problem is, when does a fuck buddy become more than that?

I used to date a guy about 7 years ago, I’ll call him what my grandparents referred to him, Toby; not his real name, and my grandmother knew it pissed him off. My grandfather just thought that was his name. Let me explain that Toby isn’t your usual person of average intelligence. He actually isn’t the smartest guy, and that is being nice. He doesn’t have good social skills – he might not have social skills as we know it. He is not a bad person, but he is extremely selfish. But, after knowing him for so long, he truly doesn’t think he is being selfish; he just thinks of himself.

We used to live together, and I will explain this time of my life as a very black period. I supported Toby from May 1998 through February 1999. During that time, he didn’t have a job until October, and then never paid rent, never paid utilities, never paid for food. After the first few months of living with me, he stopped cleaning the apartment regularly, complaining that he wasn’t my slave. After he got his job (at Best Buy) he stopped cleaning the apartment at all.

I was suspicious at the time and later did find out that he cheated on me at a New Year’s Eve party. I also found out later that he spent from May through October not looking for a job as he had told me but going through all my boxes of stuff I had stored in the attic of the apartment.

When I finally realized it was over and asked him to move out, he already had struck a deal with his parents to move back home. He was gone within 4 days of me asking him. Now that should have been the end of the story. And it should have been, but, obviously, it isn’t.

A few months later, he called up, basically for sex. This went well as we were always compatible that way, and it continued, mostly once or twice a month. It was easy, it was convenient, and we certainly continued to be attracted to each other. This has gone on, off and on, for years. I’ve dated a few different guys, and after it ended, we’d get in touch. I will say that most of the time, it was him who called me. Though he has always said that he is looking for boyfriends, he never seems to get one full time.

Now I have witnesses that I was up front with him, honest that he wasn’t someone I wanted to date or even be seen in public together. I have told him many, many times that I won’t live with him.

He has continued to have problems keeping jobs. He gets low skill jobs, and then hates them after some time and gets fired. Or, as happened once, he was working for a customer service company that gets outsourced contracts to provide customer service (like the “If you are not completely satisfied with this product, call 1-800…” labels on products). When the contract for the product he was working ended, he could have transferred to another product, which happened to be a cigarette company, and he refused because he hates cigarettes (though he chews snuff from time to time) so he was laid off. He accepted 8 weeks of unemployment instead of continued employment because he thought he could get a better job. That was 4 years ago.

Well, he has been doing security work for the past year or so. Just to give you an example of his social skills deficit, after working part time for about 8 months, he asked why they never scheduled him for more than 30 hours, and they said it was because they were under the impression that it would interfere with his disability payments – for a mental disability. It turns out that one of his co-workers told them that he was on SSDI for mental health problems. The sad part is that his employer believed that he was on disability.

Well, as can be expected from his history, in the past few months, he has been unhappy with work, and he got himself fired two weeks ago. That started a chain of events that has led him to being homeless, or mostly homeless. He has to live in an undesirable place right now. I don’t know, and mostly don’t want to know, what that situation is. He asked me if he could stay with me, and I just don’t think that is a good idea. I do know that he lost the use of his car (it is in his parents name and they seemed to have taken control of it and won’t give it back until he has a job – but how is he to get a job if he doesn’t have use of his car? It is horrible, circular logic.)

What if something happens to him? Should I not help him now? But I fear that if I let him stay with me, even if I say it is temporary, he will take that as a sign that he can move all his stuff in and stay indefinitely. And I don’t want that. I like what I have at home.

So for now I told him no, but I don’t feel particularly good about this decision. I feel like it was okay to use in one way, but now that he might need a helping hand, I am turning him away.

I had one friend tell me I should’ve stopped having our rendezvous’ a long time ago – like no shit! But it is more complicated than that now. Since I didn’t stop this like, oh, 6 or 7 years ago, do I owe him anything? Even if it is temporary?

Yeah, I know it is whining and stupid, but that is how I am today. I’ve got myself in a quagmire of my own making. I don’t know how to get out of it. Or how to stop feeling like a heal.