All men have secrets and here is mine, so let it be known

I have been having a tough time getting back into any type of routine. I know I can’t run for a few more weeks, though I am walking on the treadmill at physical therapy, but it seems like all I want to do after work is sit around my house. Usually eating and staring at the television.

I feel like a fucking sausage today: fat, lumpy and ugly. I am wearing my fat jeans. [All the ladies in the crowd will get the “fat jeans” reference here.] And I feel like saying the word “fuck” a lot today. I have to be careful I don’t scream it on the phone with a customer.

I have been terrible this week on eating, and I still can’t run at all so I feel useless. I feel like I’m letting myself down, and I don’t like that feeling. Did I mention that the muscle on the left side of my neck is throbbing? Did I mention that the headache gets so bad today that I am actually getting lightheaded? Did I mention that I’m fat, lumpy & ugly? Did I mention that I’ve been listening to the entire The Smiths discography today?

I have physical therapy tonight, and I don’t feel like doing it tonight. I don’t feel like doing anything tonight. I don’t feel like doing much of anything today, except typing the word fuck. Over and over again. I just feel lame today. I need to start being able to run again soon, or I’m going to a fat fuck all over again, and that can’t be good. For me, at least.