Well now you're lookin' for a world of truth, trying to find a better way. The time has come to see yourself: you always look the other way

I want my life back.

That is what has been going on in my head this week as I battled headaches, weariness and depression. I know it is such a ridiculous, cliché ridden sentence, but that is what I have thought.

I want the pre-March 16th Mike back. I want to feel good when I wake up in the morning. I want my morning headaches to be about not having enough caffeine from Diet Mountain Dew in my system, not about sleeping in just the wrong way. And speaking of sleep, I want to be able to sleep without my neck immobilized. It ain’t fun.

I want to be able to look to the left without a sharp pain causing me days of agony.

I want to get on the treadmill and run without feeling like the muscles in the back of my neck are ripping slowly with each step.

I want to drive on a certain stretch of the road I live on without staring at the other side, seeing if some other fuck up has decided to cross the fifteen foot wide median to slam into another car I am in.

And I want this stupid self pity to go away.

I know I am blaming, blaming and blaming. I seem to be good at it these days. The anger comes quicker, the letdowns come easier and the pain seems to be constant, even when it isn’t sharp.

I am lucky, and I know it. In my job, I see motor vehicle accidents daily, death daily. I see accidents much lesser than the one I was in rip families apart due to death of a loved one. My accident even showed how much love my family has, such as how they came together in the middle of the night and helped Carl’s boyfriend Darren, all alone that night as Carl & I were stuck in the hospital overnight, when they didn’t know him. My 14 year old nephew showed, even with his teenage angst, to be such a responsible, loving young man when he volunteered to help in doing so many things that weekend for the three of us.

Through no fault of our own, the three of us were in an accident, and we are lucky to be with what can only be considered limited problems. This isn’t to lessen the pain we are all in, but I see, on a daily basis, death, dismemberment, paraplegia, catastrophic loss from accidents that seem less severe, and we are all walking, talking and (mostly) thinking clearly.

But I want my old life back. I want to feel like me again, and not this ball of rage, pain, self pity and depression. I don’t know how to get back to it. And I am tired of using the accident as an excuse for everything wrong right now, but my brain won’t let me stop.