Let me feel the car crash 'cause I'm dying on the inside; just take me to the car crash 'til I'm open wide

It has been one year since the car accident. I would love to say it had no effect on me at all, but I know that this is a lie. I am a more cautious (some would say paranoid) driver. I've been in car accidents before, but usually just minor fender benders or, like when I was 15, the passenger in a car that hit a tree. But this is the first time that I saw the effects of another car jumping the median strip at a high rate of speed and hitting another car.
I say I saw the effects as I still have no memory of the accident itself. Waking up with blood pouring out of my head is my first memory. I think part of me still can't believe that we all survived the accident. It just looked so amazingly brutal to have any survivors.

I don't normally talk about my job here (actually, I've never talked about my regular job here) but it involves deaths from accidents, and many of them are from car accidents. I would be lying if I said that it hasn't effected some of my work to some degree. For the first few months, every time a car accident hit my desk, I'd think again and again about our accident. I have seen many less horrific looking vehicles after an accident that caused death. And here we all stood (even the fuck-ups from the other car), all alive with no catastrophic injuries.

I am not trying to minimize all of our injuries, because the three of us in the BMW had some major injuries, but it wasn't death. And death was an distinct possibility. I don't like thinking about it, but many times I can't help but think about it.
We have all had physical problems since then. I have gained over 20 pounds now (was up 30 pounds since the accident but have lost 7 pounds this year) and still have back and shoulder problems that sometimes make running difficult. It makes it tough to think I have to start the dieting and exercise from such a low point after working so hard to lost that weight.

But I am going to make a better go of it now. I can't believe my back and shoulder will hurt forever. It will get better, I will get a handle on it and be able to run at will and be able to lose the weight and get healthy.

I have to think that I am happy we all survived. I think I will be stronger for it. I think I understand a little bit of life that I didn't understand before. I know that sounds cheesy, maybe even a bit naive, but I am a little wiser for it.

The title of this post is from a song by Matt Nathanson. I don't believe the things the song says, but the line seemed to fit this entry. I didn't want to feel the car crash, but I did, and I am glad I survived.