“Hah,” Said Elphaba, “That’ll be the day,” and that was that about that.
I am just disgusted with myself. I ate horribly this past weekend. I did get back up to 3.1 miles in 30 minutes on Saturday, but the food I ate was just so bad. Or just so good but bad for me. Fuck it, I don’t want to talk about it now.
Dilemma time for me. Getting into our way back machine, let me take you back to heady days of 1991, February to be exact. I was in college, a small, Christian, liberal arts college in Pennsylvania in a small, Christian, conservative town in the middle of nowhere. George Bush was president, and we were at war in Iraq. How things change, eh?
My first boyfriend Sean & I had just broken up at the end of January. I was sad, even though I was the one who kind of started the break up (and actually had cheated on him a few months prior, so he thought we needed a break up.) It was one of those things where we fought a lot and didn’t seem to be getting along too well at the time, and we were young, so we broke up. The difference between then & today is there was no internet, or gay/straight alliances at the school, no real support for gay people. On top do that, with it being a small town, there were no gay bars anywhere around, and even if there were, Sean was 17, so he had nowhere else to go to meet guys but the college.
I wasn’t “out” to a lot of the students at the school. I was one of the proverbial “Big Fish in the Small Pond” guys: editor of yearbook, president of one association, vice president of another couple associations, acted in all the theatre productions, lettered in tennis for a couple of years. I told most of my professors that I was gay, and some of my friends knew, but most of them didn’t exactly know, though they suspected. Again, there were no Gay-Straight Alliances back then, or at least not in small, liberal arts, Christian colleges in the middle of cow country Pennsylvania. It was much more of the dark ages then. On top of that, AIDS was still regarded as only a gay disease, and it was still a death sentence.
One person who did know I was gay was Adam, another queer. He lived in same dorm as me, and we knew we were gay. There was no attraction there, so nothing ever happened between us, but we’d talk from time to time. He & I hung out in different crowds, which is tough in a college of about 920 students.
Well, on the Friday night when Sean walked out of my dorm room after we broke up, I had no one else to talk to about it. We had resolved to still be friends, but I needed to talk to someone else about it. My one gay friend had left college for a semester. Gary & I were estranged, and my other close friends, Brad & John had left for the weekend. So I called Adam. And I told him that we’d broken up, crying the whole time (I might have been a drama queen at the time, I’m not sure. Don’t remember.) Adam had met Sean a few times when we’d be around campus together, so he knew him somewhat, it wasn’t like I was telling him for the first time about us being a couple.
The following Friday, Sean & I had planned to go together prior to the break-up to some comedian or magician or some entertainer that was coming to campus. Deciding that we were still able to be friends, he showed up and we went. While there, we sat with a few other friends. Adam came up and sat down with us, and I thought he just didn’t know anyone else so sat with us. It wasn’t like he was invited by any of us sitting at the table. After the show was over, he followed us back to my dorm room, even though I really wanted to talk to Sean alone. When I got back into the room, in front of Sean & Adam, I broke down crying again, and Adam left us alone. Sean & I talked some more, tears were spilt, and life went on.
(What I didn’t notice is that Adam had slipped Sean his phone number sometime in my dorm room while I was crying my eyes out. From what I learned later from Sean, Adam wanted Sean to come back to his room that night, but my crying seemed to end that. This is called foreshadowing kinds. Learn it, love it, live it.)
Sean’s mother was a non-traditional student at the college, and I knew her from being a teacher’s assistant at the time. She knew her son was gay and knew I was gay, and she introduced us. It sounds weird typing that now, but it made sense at the time. She was handicapped and couldn’t walk well or drive a car all the time, so he would often be at the college to pick her up.
One day the next week, I saw Sean’s car in the parking lot, and went to where his mother was studying, but he wasn’t there to pick her up. After a few minutes thinking, I knew where he was. I went up to Adam’s door and knocked and knocked. I might have screamed things and made a complete ass of myself.
I got back to my room 2 floors down and called Adam’s room, and it didn’t pick up (no voice mail in those days.) I called a few more times, no answer. I kept walking across to the bathroom to look out the window and see Sean’s car still in the parking lot, so he was still there. Then it hit me to call the room as if calling form outside of the college, as it made a different ring. Sure enough, Adam answers the phone and I lay into him like a screaming banshee. I am not sure why, to be honest, but I just thought there was something wrong with Sean being in his room.
Long story short, Sean’s fling with Adam lasted a month, and we were back together by the beginning of March. Adam had wanted Sean all to himself, and after my freak-out, I was better with Sean being on campus to see a guy that wasn’t me, and Adam didn’t want Sean to see me at all. Adam was a DJ on the college radio station and even played Prince’s “The Beautiful Ones” as a dedication to Sean one night, right about the time they were breaking up. At the end of the song, Adam even said, quoting the song “Is it him or is it me?” and then said “As Prince said, it is true that ‘The beautiful ones, they hurt you every time.” Sean was in my room at the time, and we giggled over it.
We ended up dating off and on for another 2 years, living together for another year AFTER we broke up, and then, after he moved out, we hooked up from time to time. We are still friends, seeing each other from time to time, but no more hook-ups.
Well, here is my dilemma (long story for short dilemma, eh?). Adam has contacted my friend Carl, a fellow alumnus, through his My Space account and has started asking about me and if I am still “full of rage” (that was his remark) and saying he did things wrong because he was young and stupid and blah blah blah.
I am thinking that he wants to be able to contact me, and the question is do I really want that? I know he was a young guy who made some poor decisions 16 years ago to get some dick, when there was no other easy way to get it back then where we were living. I can’t say I wouldn’t do it at the time, and as I noted, I did cheat on Sean prior to this whole episode (sadly, with someone else I’d already slept with in the past), so I realize the pull of sex on a young gay men, especially when we didn’t have what we all do today.
I didn’t know Adam too well back then, and we obviously were not on speaking terms when I graduated. What good could come from cultivating a friendship with him now? Part of me is guessing that he wants some sort of forgiveness. Do I give that to him to make him feel better, or do I just ignore him and let that little piece of him feel bad forever?
(I will say that I did get a little angry at Adam right now as I was typing this and remembering it. Strange.)
Dilemma time for me. Getting into our way back machine, let me take you back to heady days of 1991, February to be exact. I was in college, a small, Christian, liberal arts college in Pennsylvania in a small, Christian, conservative town in the middle of nowhere. George Bush was president, and we were at war in Iraq. How things change, eh?
My first boyfriend Sean & I had just broken up at the end of January. I was sad, even though I was the one who kind of started the break up (and actually had cheated on him a few months prior, so he thought we needed a break up.) It was one of those things where we fought a lot and didn’t seem to be getting along too well at the time, and we were young, so we broke up. The difference between then & today is there was no internet, or gay/straight alliances at the school, no real support for gay people. On top do that, with it being a small town, there were no gay bars anywhere around, and even if there were, Sean was 17, so he had nowhere else to go to meet guys but the college.
I wasn’t “out” to a lot of the students at the school. I was one of the proverbial “Big Fish in the Small Pond” guys: editor of yearbook, president of one association, vice president of another couple associations, acted in all the theatre productions, lettered in tennis for a couple of years. I told most of my professors that I was gay, and some of my friends knew, but most of them didn’t exactly know, though they suspected. Again, there were no Gay-Straight Alliances back then, or at least not in small, liberal arts, Christian colleges in the middle of cow country Pennsylvania. It was much more of the dark ages then. On top of that, AIDS was still regarded as only a gay disease, and it was still a death sentence.
One person who did know I was gay was Adam, another queer. He lived in same dorm as me, and we knew we were gay. There was no attraction there, so nothing ever happened between us, but we’d talk from time to time. He & I hung out in different crowds, which is tough in a college of about 920 students.
Well, on the Friday night when Sean walked out of my dorm room after we broke up, I had no one else to talk to about it. We had resolved to still be friends, but I needed to talk to someone else about it. My one gay friend had left college for a semester. Gary & I were estranged, and my other close friends, Brad & John had left for the weekend. So I called Adam. And I told him that we’d broken up, crying the whole time (I might have been a drama queen at the time, I’m not sure. Don’t remember.) Adam had met Sean a few times when we’d be around campus together, so he knew him somewhat, it wasn’t like I was telling him for the first time about us being a couple.
The following Friday, Sean & I had planned to go together prior to the break-up to some comedian or magician or some entertainer that was coming to campus. Deciding that we were still able to be friends, he showed up and we went. While there, we sat with a few other friends. Adam came up and sat down with us, and I thought he just didn’t know anyone else so sat with us. It wasn’t like he was invited by any of us sitting at the table. After the show was over, he followed us back to my dorm room, even though I really wanted to talk to Sean alone. When I got back into the room, in front of Sean & Adam, I broke down crying again, and Adam left us alone. Sean & I talked some more, tears were spilt, and life went on.
(What I didn’t notice is that Adam had slipped Sean his phone number sometime in my dorm room while I was crying my eyes out. From what I learned later from Sean, Adam wanted Sean to come back to his room that night, but my crying seemed to end that. This is called foreshadowing kinds. Learn it, love it, live it.)
Sean’s mother was a non-traditional student at the college, and I knew her from being a teacher’s assistant at the time. She knew her son was gay and knew I was gay, and she introduced us. It sounds weird typing that now, but it made sense at the time. She was handicapped and couldn’t walk well or drive a car all the time, so he would often be at the college to pick her up.
One day the next week, I saw Sean’s car in the parking lot, and went to where his mother was studying, but he wasn’t there to pick her up. After a few minutes thinking, I knew where he was. I went up to Adam’s door and knocked and knocked. I might have screamed things and made a complete ass of myself.
I got back to my room 2 floors down and called Adam’s room, and it didn’t pick up (no voice mail in those days.) I called a few more times, no answer. I kept walking across to the bathroom to look out the window and see Sean’s car still in the parking lot, so he was still there. Then it hit me to call the room as if calling form outside of the college, as it made a different ring. Sure enough, Adam answers the phone and I lay into him like a screaming banshee. I am not sure why, to be honest, but I just thought there was something wrong with Sean being in his room.
Long story short, Sean’s fling with Adam lasted a month, and we were back together by the beginning of March. Adam had wanted Sean all to himself, and after my freak-out, I was better with Sean being on campus to see a guy that wasn’t me, and Adam didn’t want Sean to see me at all. Adam was a DJ on the college radio station and even played Prince’s “The Beautiful Ones” as a dedication to Sean one night, right about the time they were breaking up. At the end of the song, Adam even said, quoting the song “Is it him or is it me?” and then said “As Prince said, it is true that ‘The beautiful ones, they hurt you every time.” Sean was in my room at the time, and we giggled over it.
We ended up dating off and on for another 2 years, living together for another year AFTER we broke up, and then, after he moved out, we hooked up from time to time. We are still friends, seeing each other from time to time, but no more hook-ups.
Well, here is my dilemma (long story for short dilemma, eh?). Adam has contacted my friend Carl, a fellow alumnus, through his My Space account and has started asking about me and if I am still “full of rage” (that was his remark) and saying he did things wrong because he was young and stupid and blah blah blah.
I am thinking that he wants to be able to contact me, and the question is do I really want that? I know he was a young guy who made some poor decisions 16 years ago to get some dick, when there was no other easy way to get it back then where we were living. I can’t say I wouldn’t do it at the time, and as I noted, I did cheat on Sean prior to this whole episode (sadly, with someone else I’d already slept with in the past), so I realize the pull of sex on a young gay men, especially when we didn’t have what we all do today.
I didn’t know Adam too well back then, and we obviously were not on speaking terms when I graduated. What good could come from cultivating a friendship with him now? Part of me is guessing that he wants some sort of forgiveness. Do I give that to him to make him feel better, or do I just ignore him and let that little piece of him feel bad forever?
(I will say that I did get a little angry at Adam right now as I was typing this and remembering it. Strange.)
posted by Mike at 12:08 PM
2 Comments:
i think its time 2 forgive him. i think 4 u 2 also let it go is 2 forgive him.
I agree, of course, that to show him I forgive him is important, if not to me, at least to him. Although, maybe I need to hear an apology from him, as I was angry writing that, more than I let on. I can't believe something from so long ago can cause me to get angry.
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