So the room must listen to me, filibuster vigilantly

I can’t say it’s been a bad week, but I didn’t meet my goal last week, and I’m not hopeful of meeting the new goal this week.

Last weeks goal was to make time to run 5 times while also going to the Franklin Institute Friday to see the King Tut exhibit in Philadelphia. I was able to do that (as well as see a few outdoor sites while I was there like the Rodin statue of The Thinker in front of the Rodin Museum I am posing with in the picture.)

However, I only ran 3 times and became lazy. I got back on the treadmill yesterday, and again today. Ran better today, up to 2.25 miles in 30 minutes, but I’m unhappy with the progress from last week.

This week I was going to eat better, but that hasn’t happened so far. I seem to have some psychological disconnect when it comes to eating well. I did well until 10 am Monday when we had breakfast supplied by work, at which time I ate 2 muffins and 2 bagels by the end of the day. Today wasn’t much better. I don’t have much hope for tomorrow either.

Gary was asking me to go out Saturday, and I keep not feeling like going out. I finally figured out my aversion to it. I explained how, when I lost the weight, I was feeling good about myself, but now that I’ve gained a lot of it back, when I go in public places like a gay bar, I can only think about how big my belly is. I try to pull my shirt out more, try to hide it with my hand over my stomach, try to sit in a way that hides it. And my internal monologue the whole time is “They are looking at my belly. They all see how huge it is and are thinking how ugly I am, they all are embarrassed for me.” And that goes on for the entire time I am in a public place with the potential for many gay me. Think of that happening for the 2-3 hours I’d be in public, and I am mentally exhausted by the end of it.

So I choose not to go to gay bars right now. Maybe in a few months I’ll feel better, but right now, I am just going to stay inside and be miserable. Pathetic, isn’t it? Now we see they effects of the “Tub o Goo” comment.