But layin' next to this beached whale I haven't got the choice
FUCKING FUCK FUCK!!! How is this fucking possible? SO, after paying attention to what I eat, after not eating 98% of the time after 9 pm, after being careful what I choose to eat, after running 4-5 times a week, and I’m not talking about fucking pussy running, I am full out sprinting for more than 20 minutes a day, after YEARS of minimal exercise, after EVERYTHING I’ve done over the past 4 weeks, I am at 251 pounds, the same mother fucking, ass-licking, stupid shitting weight I was at 10 days ago, which is a minimal amount of weight to lose! What in all things unholy is that about?? How is it that my body couldn’t have lost more goddamn weight in that time? How? For 3+ years I was struggling at 242 pounds, and then in June, I tore a calf muscle, and wasn’t able to do even the minimal running around that I was normally doing, and I gained weight. After that got better (in fucking OCTOBER finally!) I got a treadmill, and even though I wasn’t eating well, I have been running since October 31, starting out at 20 minutes exactly and working my way up from that, but I can’t get back to a weight I was at for THREE MOTHER FUCKING YEARS!!!!
And the thing that is most depressing, what I feel is the biggest bullshit in this, the thing that makes this feel worse, is that I used to be a person who weighed himself every day, usually twice a day. I ALWAYS weighted more in the evening. I then would weigh myself first thing in the morning, after the morning pee but before I got in the shower. Now I’m talking 1-3 pound difference between morning and an evening weigh-in, so not a huge difference but enough when you’re a person crazy enough to weigh yourself every day, twice a day. Well, when I weighed myself last week it was in the evening and I was 251 pounds. Today, I got up, went to my parent’s house and weighed myself. First thing in the morning. I didn’t even drink water. 251 MOTHER FUCKING POUNDS!
So here now is my dilemma. How do I lose the weight? If I start doing a low calorie diet, I will fail. I’ve done them enough times that I know I will fail. I will be good for a few days, then I will start craving better tasting food. It has been so long since I’ve done a low calorie, low fat diet that I don’t even know if I can. And, on top of that, the last time I did a low calorie, low fat diet, I gained 5 pound after 6 weeks! I know, all of you are saying “That’s not possible.” Well, guess what? It is fucking possible because I’ve done it. I am also the man who for 4 weeks has been running and sweating and doing good on that end and haven’t been able to lose more than 9 pounds total. I know, 1 pounds a week is good, but that is BULLSHIT! Not for someone who has as much extra weight as I do. I am HUGE. I am well past Morbid Obesity on any chart. I look like an buffoon in clothes (and, believe me, I look worse out of clothes.) The only people who find me attractive are a guy who is so stupid he makes Forest Gump look like Einstein but thinks he is smarter than anyone and a fat chef who looks at me like I’m skinny.
I am going to have to think in more radical terms. I have to, at least to jump start some kind of weight loss. I don’t know what I will do, but obviously my body has stopped responding to the low carb diet and has adapted to be able to store huge stockpiles of fat that is my belly. I don’t know if it is possible right now to run any longer. I need to build up the endurance or I will burn out, build up the time so that I don’t dread it so much that I avoid it at all costs. I want to get up to 40 minutes, but if I start doing that tomorrow, I risk injury & attitude, and I don’t want to do that. And it isn’t like I expected to lose 40 pounds in 4 weeks. But not to even hit double digit weight loss on someone who is over 50 pounds overweight (yes, my doctor thinks I should be about 195-205 pounds, and I started this thing 27 days ago at 55 pounds over that high level) is unthinkable. I know I am older now and I should try to compare that to what I was able to do 10-15 years ago, but I am not so ancient that I shouldn’t be able to lose a few more pounds after 4 weeks.
So I am going to spend the next few days thinking about what to do. Sadly, not eating isn’t an option anymore. I did that once in college, and 90% of that was anguish and depression over breaking up with my first boyfriend. Oh, and I ended up in the hospital. And though it worked great for the next 2 years (one month of eating one slice of bread with peanut butter on it burned fat off for that long) it did some damage to my health for years after that. It wasn’t until I was about 28 that I stopped having severe lung problems, and that coincided with me stopping smoking at the age of 27 and taking steroids shortly afterwards. I was at 225 pounds when I stopped smoking in 1996, and a few months later, still with lung problems, my doctors gave me 7 days of steroids. I haven’t been able to maintain a weight under 240 pounds outside of August 1997-January 1998 when I did the Atkins diet for the first time and then broke up with another boyfriend of almost 5 years on 01/01/1998. I got down quickly to 207 pounds, but then didn’t stay on it, didn’t do any exercise, and gained it all back before my 29th birthday (I started the low calorie/low fat diet on my 29th b-day and in mid-July I went to my physician for regular check-up and had gained 5 pounds.
I hope this doesn’t ruin my whole weekend, but it has already taken a good chunk of my morning away in me bitching and moaning.
And the thing that is most depressing, what I feel is the biggest bullshit in this, the thing that makes this feel worse, is that I used to be a person who weighed himself every day, usually twice a day. I ALWAYS weighted more in the evening. I then would weigh myself first thing in the morning, after the morning pee but before I got in the shower. Now I’m talking 1-3 pound difference between morning and an evening weigh-in, so not a huge difference but enough when you’re a person crazy enough to weigh yourself every day, twice a day. Well, when I weighed myself last week it was in the evening and I was 251 pounds. Today, I got up, went to my parent’s house and weighed myself. First thing in the morning. I didn’t even drink water. 251 MOTHER FUCKING POUNDS!
So here now is my dilemma. How do I lose the weight? If I start doing a low calorie diet, I will fail. I’ve done them enough times that I know I will fail. I will be good for a few days, then I will start craving better tasting food. It has been so long since I’ve done a low calorie, low fat diet that I don’t even know if I can. And, on top of that, the last time I did a low calorie, low fat diet, I gained 5 pound after 6 weeks! I know, all of you are saying “That’s not possible.” Well, guess what? It is fucking possible because I’ve done it. I am also the man who for 4 weeks has been running and sweating and doing good on that end and haven’t been able to lose more than 9 pounds total. I know, 1 pounds a week is good, but that is BULLSHIT! Not for someone who has as much extra weight as I do. I am HUGE. I am well past Morbid Obesity on any chart. I look like an buffoon in clothes (and, believe me, I look worse out of clothes.) The only people who find me attractive are a guy who is so stupid he makes Forest Gump look like Einstein but thinks he is smarter than anyone and a fat chef who looks at me like I’m skinny.
I am going to have to think in more radical terms. I have to, at least to jump start some kind of weight loss. I don’t know what I will do, but obviously my body has stopped responding to the low carb diet and has adapted to be able to store huge stockpiles of fat that is my belly. I don’t know if it is possible right now to run any longer. I need to build up the endurance or I will burn out, build up the time so that I don’t dread it so much that I avoid it at all costs. I want to get up to 40 minutes, but if I start doing that tomorrow, I risk injury & attitude, and I don’t want to do that. And it isn’t like I expected to lose 40 pounds in 4 weeks. But not to even hit double digit weight loss on someone who is over 50 pounds overweight (yes, my doctor thinks I should be about 195-205 pounds, and I started this thing 27 days ago at 55 pounds over that high level) is unthinkable. I know I am older now and I should try to compare that to what I was able to do 10-15 years ago, but I am not so ancient that I shouldn’t be able to lose a few more pounds after 4 weeks.
So I am going to spend the next few days thinking about what to do. Sadly, not eating isn’t an option anymore. I did that once in college, and 90% of that was anguish and depression over breaking up with my first boyfriend. Oh, and I ended up in the hospital. And though it worked great for the next 2 years (one month of eating one slice of bread with peanut butter on it burned fat off for that long) it did some damage to my health for years after that. It wasn’t until I was about 28 that I stopped having severe lung problems, and that coincided with me stopping smoking at the age of 27 and taking steroids shortly afterwards. I was at 225 pounds when I stopped smoking in 1996, and a few months later, still with lung problems, my doctors gave me 7 days of steroids. I haven’t been able to maintain a weight under 240 pounds outside of August 1997-January 1998 when I did the Atkins diet for the first time and then broke up with another boyfriend of almost 5 years on 01/01/1998. I got down quickly to 207 pounds, but then didn’t stay on it, didn’t do any exercise, and gained it all back before my 29th birthday (I started the low calorie/low fat diet on my 29th b-day and in mid-July I went to my physician for regular check-up and had gained 5 pounds.
I hope this doesn’t ruin my whole weekend, but it has already taken a good chunk of my morning away in me bitching and moaning.
posted by Mike at 7:37 AM
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