In the belly of a whale, my broken hull and tattered sail.
Here is an accounting of yesterday, and how the food just got away from me.
9:52 am – phone rings at my work desk. “This is Mike,” I answer.
“It’s Gary. I’m working downtown today, do you want to catch lunch?”
Now I rarely see Gary, mostly because he lives far away in a place called Beaver, and I’m not a big fan of being in any place called “Beaver,” and also because he travels for a living, so when he gets back home on Thursday evenings, he doesn’t always want to get back into his car and drive 40 minutes into civilization from said Beaver.
“Yeah, that’d be great,” I respond. I know in the back of my head that I have brought a perfectly normal lunch that I could eat here, lower in calorie and full of veggie and fruity goodness, but seeing a good friend is always worth breaking a diet now and again.
11:22 am - We met and went to the Amazon Café. I had a small wrap with fat free ranch dressing, some plain Baked Lays and a diet soda. All within diet, and I couldn’t imagine more than 350 calories total.
We finished early and went to a small park to walk and look at cute college students play hacky sack. They were all there, with there shaggy hair and their baggy shorts and their tanned, muscular legs, and their tight t-shirts, lifting up just enough to reveal their flat stomachs with just a little hairline going down. Oh yeah, who’s your daddy! Oh, you’ve been a naughty boy…
Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, food. So Gary mentioned something about hot dogs. Now I don’t remember the exact context as I was, well, preoccupied with the beauty surrounding me, but then, for no apparent reason, I suddenly wanted a hot dog.
11:57 am - There was a hot dog stand by the park, so I went to order one for $2.25. However, I really wanted a diet soda with that, and it was $.75, BUT, I could get a hot dog, diet soda and bag of chips for $2.75! Much better deal, and I could give the chips to Gary.
12:14 pm - Gary didn’t want to chips, I didn’t want to carry them back to the car and drive them back to work, and I didn’t want to waste them, so I ate them. Another extra 150 calories on top of whatever the hot dog and bun were (yellow mustard is very low in calories, so I don’t count that at all.)
I go back to work and all is back to normal. Then, for no reason whatsoever, one of my co-workers mentions a Peanut Butter Take bar, and really, aren’t they just the most prefect treat ever invented? I had it in my head from that time forward that I really wanted a Peanut Butter Take 5 bar.
2:12 pm - I run from vending machine to vending machine and there wasn’t any in stock. Thinking that anything peanut butter-ish will get me over this strange craving, I got a small bag of Reese’s pieces. Nope, didn’t do it, so I went back to get something else and ended up with a Big Kit Kat! Fuck, that was like 440 calories for two small snacks.
3:11 pm - So then I decided that since I’d gone off my regularly scheduled program, I might as well have one of the Krispy Kreme doughnuts that had been tempting me all day long on the table 3 feet behind my desk (“Mike – eat me! You know you can’t resist the glazed raspberry filled goodness that I am! Just eat me!” “NO, you ugly fuckers!” I’d scream back.” “But one bight will satisfy that strange urge you are feeling to eat me anyway. Then your body will release the endorphins that will help you fight the rest of the day!” And yet I still resisted all day, until about 3 pm.) Sadly, that turned into 2 Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
I go home and run. I run a lot, got up to 2.8 miles, sweated something good, really felt great. Then went to my sisters for my nephews 14th birthday.
“Uncle Mike, have a piece of cake,” Steve said.
“Yeah, Mike, have a piece. You know it is your favorite,” said my sister.
“You had a piece of my cake, Uncle Mike,” Said Brandon, Steve’s older brother.
“Why don’t you want a piece of my birthday cake, Uncle Mike?”
7:21 pm - So I had a piece. It was one of those ice cream cakes. Well, it’d be rude not to partake in my nephew’s birthday cakes. And really, it’s almost like tradition to have a piece of birthday cake.
7:31 pm - And then, with no peer or family pressure, and for no reason at all, I had a second piece.
Driving my mother home after the birthday party, she said “Oooh, let’s stop off at Arby’s so that I can get some sandwiches for your step-father’s lunch tomorrow.”
“Okay,” I say, knowing that some turkey, fat free cheese and light whole wheat bread sandwich is waiting for me at home. We get out of the car and into the Arby’s.
8:52 pm - They have some new deal where you can choose 5 different things for 5 dollars. Before my mother can reach the counter, I slide in front of her and say “I’ll take two Arby melts, two curly fries and an order of mozzarella cheese sticks.” I paid my $6.37 and went home and devoured it all.
9:48 pm - I still have my low calorie ice cream sandwich.
And that is how I had over 3,000 calories in one day.
9:52 am – phone rings at my work desk. “This is Mike,” I answer.
“It’s Gary. I’m working downtown today, do you want to catch lunch?”
Now I rarely see Gary, mostly because he lives far away in a place called Beaver, and I’m not a big fan of being in any place called “Beaver,” and also because he travels for a living, so when he gets back home on Thursday evenings, he doesn’t always want to get back into his car and drive 40 minutes into civilization from said Beaver.
“Yeah, that’d be great,” I respond. I know in the back of my head that I have brought a perfectly normal lunch that I could eat here, lower in calorie and full of veggie and fruity goodness, but seeing a good friend is always worth breaking a diet now and again.
11:22 am - We met and went to the Amazon Café. I had a small wrap with fat free ranch dressing, some plain Baked Lays and a diet soda. All within diet, and I couldn’t imagine more than 350 calories total.
We finished early and went to a small park to walk and look at cute college students play hacky sack. They were all there, with there shaggy hair and their baggy shorts and their tanned, muscular legs, and their tight t-shirts, lifting up just enough to reveal their flat stomachs with just a little hairline going down. Oh yeah, who’s your daddy! Oh, you’ve been a naughty boy…
Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, food. So Gary mentioned something about hot dogs. Now I don’t remember the exact context as I was, well, preoccupied with the beauty surrounding me, but then, for no apparent reason, I suddenly wanted a hot dog.
11:57 am - There was a hot dog stand by the park, so I went to order one for $2.25. However, I really wanted a diet soda with that, and it was $.75, BUT, I could get a hot dog, diet soda and bag of chips for $2.75! Much better deal, and I could give the chips to Gary.
12:14 pm - Gary didn’t want to chips, I didn’t want to carry them back to the car and drive them back to work, and I didn’t want to waste them, so I ate them. Another extra 150 calories on top of whatever the hot dog and bun were (yellow mustard is very low in calories, so I don’t count that at all.)
I go back to work and all is back to normal. Then, for no reason whatsoever, one of my co-workers mentions a Peanut Butter Take bar, and really, aren’t they just the most prefect treat ever invented? I had it in my head from that time forward that I really wanted a Peanut Butter Take 5 bar.
2:12 pm - I run from vending machine to vending machine and there wasn’t any in stock. Thinking that anything peanut butter-ish will get me over this strange craving, I got a small bag of Reese’s pieces. Nope, didn’t do it, so I went back to get something else and ended up with a Big Kit Kat! Fuck, that was like 440 calories for two small snacks.
3:11 pm - So then I decided that since I’d gone off my regularly scheduled program, I might as well have one of the Krispy Kreme doughnuts that had been tempting me all day long on the table 3 feet behind my desk (“Mike – eat me! You know you can’t resist the glazed raspberry filled goodness that I am! Just eat me!” “NO, you ugly fuckers!” I’d scream back.” “But one bight will satisfy that strange urge you are feeling to eat me anyway. Then your body will release the endorphins that will help you fight the rest of the day!” And yet I still resisted all day, until about 3 pm.) Sadly, that turned into 2 Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
I go home and run. I run a lot, got up to 2.8 miles, sweated something good, really felt great. Then went to my sisters for my nephews 14th birthday.
“Uncle Mike, have a piece of cake,” Steve said.
“Yeah, Mike, have a piece. You know it is your favorite,” said my sister.
“You had a piece of my cake, Uncle Mike,” Said Brandon, Steve’s older brother.
“Why don’t you want a piece of my birthday cake, Uncle Mike?”
7:21 pm - So I had a piece. It was one of those ice cream cakes. Well, it’d be rude not to partake in my nephew’s birthday cakes. And really, it’s almost like tradition to have a piece of birthday cake.
7:31 pm - And then, with no peer or family pressure, and for no reason at all, I had a second piece.
Driving my mother home after the birthday party, she said “Oooh, let’s stop off at Arby’s so that I can get some sandwiches for your step-father’s lunch tomorrow.”
“Okay,” I say, knowing that some turkey, fat free cheese and light whole wheat bread sandwich is waiting for me at home. We get out of the car and into the Arby’s.
8:52 pm - They have some new deal where you can choose 5 different things for 5 dollars. Before my mother can reach the counter, I slide in front of her and say “I’ll take two Arby melts, two curly fries and an order of mozzarella cheese sticks.” I paid my $6.37 and went home and devoured it all.
9:48 pm - I still have my low calorie ice cream sandwich.
And that is how I had over 3,000 calories in one day.
posted by Mike at 11:05 AM
1 Comments:
Keep up the good work. thnx!
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