Let me feel the car crash 'cause I'm dying on the inside; just take me to the car crash 'til I'm open wide

It has been one year since the car accident. I would love to say it had no effect on me at all, but I know that this is a lie. I am a more cautious (some would say paranoid) driver. I've been in car accidents before, but usually just minor fender benders or, like when I was 15, the passenger in a car that hit a tree. But this is the first time that I saw the effects of another car jumping the median strip at a high rate of speed and hitting another car.
I say I saw the effects as I still have no memory of the accident itself. Waking up with blood pouring out of my head is my first memory. I think part of me still can't believe that we all survived the accident. It just looked so amazingly brutal to have any survivors.

I don't normally talk about my job here (actually, I've never talked about my regular job here) but it involves deaths from accidents, and many of them are from car accidents. I would be lying if I said that it hasn't effected some of my work to some degree. For the first few months, every time a car accident hit my desk, I'd think again and again about our accident. I have seen many less horrific looking vehicles after an accident that caused death. And here we all stood (even the fuck-ups from the other car), all alive with no catastrophic injuries.

I am not trying to minimize all of our injuries, because the three of us in the BMW had some major injuries, but it wasn't death. And death was an distinct possibility. I don't like thinking about it, but many times I can't help but think about it.
We have all had physical problems since then. I have gained over 20 pounds now (was up 30 pounds since the accident but have lost 7 pounds this year) and still have back and shoulder problems that sometimes make running difficult. It makes it tough to think I have to start the dieting and exercise from such a low point after working so hard to lost that weight.

But I am going to make a better go of it now. I can't believe my back and shoulder will hurt forever. It will get better, I will get a handle on it and be able to run at will and be able to lose the weight and get healthy.

I have to think that I am happy we all survived. I think I will be stronger for it. I think I understand a little bit of life that I didn't understand before. I know that sounds cheesy, maybe even a bit naive, but I am a little wiser for it.

The title of this post is from a song by Matt Nathanson. I don't believe the things the song says, but the line seemed to fit this entry. I didn't want to feel the car crash, but I did, and I am glad I survived.

Look around you find the ground is not so far from where you are but not too wise

The week is going well so far. Two days, Two 2.65 mile runs in 30 minutes. I'm doing alright on food. Certainly not great, but alright. I can see that I need to get into the right frame of mind to decrease the calories, and I think making the decision to play on the softball team has helped me get into that frame of mind. I can be trying to run down the fly balls with this large belly flopping around.

I am starting to organize my food here at my place. I need to buy a few more fresh vegetables and fruits. I have some good frozen and canned goods, but I need to stock up some more and get the food scheduled. That was an important part the last time I successfully lost weight. What helps most of all is being organized and having the right food available instead of crappy food.

I will say that I didn't go to my job at the movie theater on Friday as we had a huge snow storm here, and the more I watched it come down, the more it reminded me too much of the storm that hit the Pittsburgh area last March 16, when we were in a car accident. And in reality, I just didn't think that I wanted to be out there for a low paying, second, weekend job. And that is what I told the manager when I called in to tell them. And his response was "I wouldn't come in either." Therefore, I had a three day weekend. Good for me. I need more of those.