It's my time to write, it's your time to call; There's something about distance that gets to us all

Failure. It isn’t an option, so I spent the weekend regrouping my thoughts to see how to proceed. And if you were one of the people I talked to about this over the weekend, I am sorry. I was kind of angry, and it came out in every conversation I had.

Not sure I’ve come up with anything solid. One quick change to the program is that I will be running on Saturdays. I think Mondays were too tough to run after 2 complete days off. So I am going to work on a day during the week to take off from running, and then still run 5 times a week from Sunday through Saturday.

This was a basic weekend for food. I think I am going to work at cutting down on the low carb breads. I just think, even though they are low carb and I have been good at not eating too many slices, it might be contributing too many carbs total into my system. And cheese. I am averaging about 3 pounds of cheese a week. I know that the Atkins thing is supposed to work more or less no matter how many calories and fat you eat, but I think I may have been going overboard.

That being said, here is food list for the weekend, starting with Friday as that is when my weekend always begins.

Friday – bacon & eggs, and I ate 1 piece of wheat toast and one mouthful of the hash browns that came with it. For lunch, went to an all-you can eat buffet with my nephew and had a salad (basically a chefs salad) with ranch, some steamed cauliflower, a spoonful of bourbon chicken, 5 hot wings and one burger patty with cheese. I ended up having 4 slices of cheese and ham for dinner with spinach as I was still full from the lunch.

Saturday – made myself a bacon/egg/cheese sandwich on low carb flatbread for breakfast. I know I have just finished saying that I was going to cut those low carb bread products, but that is going forward, not today. I didn’t eat anything after that until dinner, where I had slow cooked hot sausage & chicken breasts in a red sauce with some green & red peppers and onions. I ate in total one chicken breast and 2 hot sausages.

Sunday – Cooked myself eggs & bacon for breakfast. You see a pattern on what I like for breakfast? Then I cooked up some wings, but only ate some of them as even though I put them in for 40 minutes at 425 degrees, some of them weren’t cooked all the way through and it made my stomach turn when I bit into one without it. I had some brussel sprouts and a handful of pork rinds. All very good so far.

This morning I ate eggs, cheese and bacon. Now the cheese that I had this morning was shredded. That is usually easier to limit than slices. When I have slices of cheese I just eat them right down, one after the other. With shredded, I use a handful over the top of the scrambled eggs. For lunch, I had a Weight Watchers “Carb Conscious” lunch, honey chicken and string beans. Good enough, and these frozen dinners were on sale this week at The Big Bird.

I didn’t end up running on Friday, but I did on Saturday, so that still gave me 5 days (Mon-Thurs, then Saturday.) What I did on Saturday was different though. I only warmed up 90 seconds at 3 mph, then 90 seconds at 4 mph, then ran at 5.5 mph for 24 minutes, then cool down 90 seconds at 4 mph, 90 seconds for 3 mph.

Well, one last thought. I admit that this blog is mostly for my own personal record keeping and to help me be responsible for doing what I want, but I would think that at least one person would make some positive comment after Fridays rant. At least one little note saying “Keep it up,” or “You can do it.” Am I not worth a few mouse clicks to add a comment?

But layin' next to this beached whale I haven't got the choice

FUCKING FUCK FUCK!!! How is this fucking possible? SO, after paying attention to what I eat, after not eating 98% of the time after 9 pm, after being careful what I choose to eat, after running 4-5 times a week, and I’m not talking about fucking pussy running, I am full out sprinting for more than 20 minutes a day, after YEARS of minimal exercise, after EVERYTHING I’ve done over the past 4 weeks, I am at 251 pounds, the same mother fucking, ass-licking, stupid shitting weight I was at 10 days ago, which is a minimal amount of weight to lose! What in all things unholy is that about?? How is it that my body couldn’t have lost more goddamn weight in that time? How? For 3+ years I was struggling at 242 pounds, and then in June, I tore a calf muscle, and wasn’t able to do even the minimal running around that I was normally doing, and I gained weight. After that got better (in fucking OCTOBER finally!) I got a treadmill, and even though I wasn’t eating well, I have been running since October 31, starting out at 20 minutes exactly and working my way up from that, but I can’t get back to a weight I was at for THREE MOTHER FUCKING YEARS!!!!

And the thing that is most depressing, what I feel is the biggest bullshit in this, the thing that makes this feel worse, is that I used to be a person who weighed himself every day, usually twice a day. I ALWAYS weighted more in the evening. I then would weigh myself first thing in the morning, after the morning pee but before I got in the shower. Now I’m talking 1-3 pound difference between morning and an evening weigh-in, so not a huge difference but enough when you’re a person crazy enough to weigh yourself every day, twice a day. Well, when I weighed myself last week it was in the evening and I was 251 pounds. Today, I got up, went to my parent’s house and weighed myself. First thing in the morning. I didn’t even drink water. 251 MOTHER FUCKING POUNDS!

So here now is my dilemma. How do I lose the weight? If I start doing a low calorie diet, I will fail. I’ve done them enough times that I know I will fail. I will be good for a few days, then I will start craving better tasting food. It has been so long since I’ve done a low calorie, low fat diet that I don’t even know if I can. And, on top of that, the last time I did a low calorie, low fat diet, I gained 5 pound after 6 weeks! I know, all of you are saying “That’s not possible.” Well, guess what? It is fucking possible because I’ve done it. I am also the man who for 4 weeks has been running and sweating and doing good on that end and haven’t been able to lose more than 9 pounds total. I know, 1 pounds a week is good, but that is BULLSHIT! Not for someone who has as much extra weight as I do. I am HUGE. I am well past Morbid Obesity on any chart. I look like an buffoon in clothes (and, believe me, I look worse out of clothes.) The only people who find me attractive are a guy who is so stupid he makes Forest Gump look like Einstein but thinks he is smarter than anyone and a fat chef who looks at me like I’m skinny.

I am going to have to think in more radical terms. I have to, at least to jump start some kind of weight loss. I don’t know what I will do, but obviously my body has stopped responding to the low carb diet and has adapted to be able to store huge stockpiles of fat that is my belly. I don’t know if it is possible right now to run any longer. I need to build up the endurance or I will burn out, build up the time so that I don’t dread it so much that I avoid it at all costs. I want to get up to 40 minutes, but if I start doing that tomorrow, I risk injury & attitude, and I don’t want to do that. And it isn’t like I expected to lose 40 pounds in 4 weeks. But not to even hit double digit weight loss on someone who is over 50 pounds overweight (yes, my doctor thinks I should be about 195-205 pounds, and I started this thing 27 days ago at 55 pounds over that high level) is unthinkable. I know I am older now and I should try to compare that to what I was able to do 10-15 years ago, but I am not so ancient that I shouldn’t be able to lose a few more pounds after 4 weeks.

So I am going to spend the next few days thinking about what to do. Sadly, not eating isn’t an option anymore. I did that once in college, and 90% of that was anguish and depression over breaking up with my first boyfriend. Oh, and I ended up in the hospital. And though it worked great for the next 2 years (one month of eating one slice of bread with peanut butter on it burned fat off for that long) it did some damage to my health for years after that. It wasn’t until I was about 28 that I stopped having severe lung problems, and that coincided with me stopping smoking at the age of 27 and taking steroids shortly afterwards. I was at 225 pounds when I stopped smoking in 1996, and a few months later, still with lung problems, my doctors gave me 7 days of steroids. I haven’t been able to maintain a weight under 240 pounds outside of August 1997-January 1998 when I did the Atkins diet for the first time and then broke up with another boyfriend of almost 5 years on 01/01/1998. I got down quickly to 207 pounds, but then didn’t stay on it, didn’t do any exercise, and gained it all back before my 29th birthday (I started the low calorie/low fat diet on my 29th b-day and in mid-July I went to my physician for regular check-up and had gained 5 pounds.

I hope this doesn’t ruin my whole weekend, but it has already taken a good chunk of my morning away in me bitching and moaning.

Meet James Ensor, Belgium's famous painter. Dig him up and shake his hand, appreciate the man

So 2 days later and I didn’t update. Been a long 2 days. Let me just describe the important stuff first.

Eggs & Cheese for breakfast Monday, Tuesday and today. By the way, these are all the Egg Beaters. The cheese changes from American, cheddar, havarti, swiss, but the Eggs are always Egg Beaters. I like them, and they are convenient.

Lunch on Monday was Chicken Cheese Enchilada soup, low carb, from Progresso. I like that soup. A lot. Then for dinner on Monday, I made 4 hot sausages, draped them in melted havarti and had spinach on the side. And some pork rinds. All good stuff, I tells ya!

Yesterday, I had one of those Carb Conscious Weight Watchers frozen dinners, some garlic chicken and creamed spinach, with a low carb Reese’s PB cup. Very good as usual. Then, last night, I was over my brother’s house going over some of my father’s personal belongings, so I didn’t get home until after 10 pm, and then didn’t eat until almost 11 pm. I just made myself a sliced chicken & cheese sandwich, where I smothered the bread in Frank’s Red Hot Sauce first, then put on mayo. Yummy! I also had spinach with the sandwich and some crunchy pork rinds afterwards.

I decided to run for 30 minutes this week. I got it done both Monday & yesterday, so I am happy about that. I think I will do that this week and next week, then I might keep it up for a third week, but I might change my warm up times, do 90 seconds at 3 mph, then 90 seconds at 4 mph, then start the running. I do increase it now every two minutes until I am up to 5.5 mph at minute 14, and that seems to keep me going good. My total distance is over 2.3 miles each time. It is good to keep increasing so that I can actually see some results.

I think on Friday morning I will run up to my mother’s house and weigh myself. My original plan was to weigh myself every month, and this Friday will be a total of 4 weeks that I’ve been doing this, so that will be a good start. I know that I jumped on the scale last week, but I have always weighed myself first thing in the morning, and I want to do that as soon as I wake up on Friday, just to start some type of gauging of this process.

Here we go, Steelers, here we go! Pittsburgh's going to the Super Bowl!

Tired but happy today. I was way too hyped to actually fall asleep last night. Steelers kicked ass and didn’t look back. I loved every minute. My grandfather, Carl, Kyle & Chris were over to watch it on the big screen, and there is nothing I’d change about the whole game. When Ben ran off to the left and scored the last touchdown to finalize the victory and send the team packing for Detroit, the room erupted…and Carl screamed like a girl. Not like a woman, like a little 12 year old girl. Now, granted, this was after 6 beers and a more tense second half of the game than the final score would allude to, but it was a scream just like a 12 year old girl seeing Jesse McCartney for the first time. Good time had by all.

Kyle then went home after the game, brought Chris home, and from what I can piece together from reports, Kyle shaved the head of some local reporter in what can only be termed from now on as The Unfortunate Incident of 2006. I might have some of the facts wrong, but I find it interesting that there was mayhem and revelry in Oakland and the South Side, both of the places that Kyle was at directly following the Steelers victory, so you can add that up. And he does have a reputation with the police officers. I’m just saying. (Plus, he ain’t ever getting back on the internet, so he’ll never read this site and be able to refute the clear evidence I have laid out here. So there!)

Saturday started off with no breakfast, though it is the most important meal. But I did have the spinach & shrimp salad at Applebee’s for lunch late. Then I worked at the movie theater until 11 pm, came home and ate another fucking cheese sandwich and finished off a bag of soy chips. Oh, I did heat up some green beans with that sandwich, but I not sure if that made it healthier or not. Now it is low carb bread, but still, I think I won’t buy another loaf of it because it is the easy way out of making anything healthier. I have a freezer full of meats/chicken, and I do nothing about it.

Yesterday, started off with Sunday breakfast at Pamela’s with Chris, Kyle, Carl & Rich, but Rich had to get to work so he couldn’t join us to watch Big Ben and his PFJ shoes (I know it is written somewhere on there!) Why is it that all these athletes believe in the Jesus so much? I mean, it’s not like Junior actually played any sports. He just was a good orator who faked his own death. In my opinion. Look it up, bring me facts if you think I’m wrong. I’m just saying.

So for the Steelers game, we had wings, wings, some more wings, ranch dressing and celery. I drank water & root beer, while others had dirty martini’s and excellent beer. I might have to get some Amstel Light or Michelob Light for the Super Bowl, as I like the beer when I am watching the Steelers whoop ass, and everyone else got to take part in the Cherry Wheat Lager or Raspberry Ale. I think had I even drank one, it would have led to 2, 3, 4 or more. I abstained from the beer, and that is a good thing.

I ain't complaining, what you're doing you see. 'Cos this hurting feeling is oh so good for me

So last night my mom called and wanted me to come up. It turns out that she had fried up a pork chop, so I ate that. Then her friend had sent over some seafood chowder. Now I figured out later that the chowder had corn (high carb), potatoes (high carb), and the thickening agent used was probably flour or corn starch (both high carb.) I don't know why I ate it, but it was so good. It wasn't a big bowl of it, but enough. The I came home and ate a cheese & pepperoni sandwich. Not terrible, but not what I wanted to do. I was lured by a really good pork chop.

Then today, had some eggs/cheese & bacon for breakfast, and work had a Steelers party with kielbasa & sauerkraut (I had 2 helpings, 2 kielbasas each helping) and cold cuts ( I had 4 slices of ham, 4 slices of turkey, 4 slices of american cheese, 4 slices of provolone cheese). Tonight, I only made 2 cheese & Miracle Whip sandwiches. Oh, and a handful of soy chips. No particularly the most healthy, but it is what I wanted. I'm going to try to be better this weekend, but who knows.

Ran 29 minutes yesterday and today, no resting in the middle of the run. I feel great afterwards, and recovery time is so quick. I think I may have to start messing around with the incline, get my heart going a little bit faster on a regular basis. We shall see what happens.

Here's what my problem today is. While at my parents house last night I weighed myself. Now I have lost weight, I just weigh more than I wanted to at this point. I am going to keep going and going, of course, run until I get what I wanted. I don't know what I expected when I stepped onto the scale, and to be honest, the battery ended up being low (it is a digital scale) so it might not have been as accurate as it usually is. We shall see.

By the way, it said I weight 251 lbs. So I am down 9 lbs., but I don't know how accurate it is. I don't go to my physician until March, so I will know for sure how well I am doing. Arrgghh...

She loves me like a ROCK. She ROCKs me like the ROCK of ages, and loves me

“Rock crushes Paper!”

In watching my new guilty pleasure again last night, "Beauty & the Geek", the geeky guys individually come through to the pool area where the bikini clad beauties get to talk them, the guys go back in and one of the woman chooses each guy. Well, there were 2 women left and 2 geeks left, one geek came through the doorway, was very awkward, talked about vomiting from nerves, and went back through to wait for a girl to choose him. Well, the 2 girls decided to play rock-paper-scissors to decide (loser obviously had to choose this guy). One girl put up Rock, and the other girl put up Paper. Both thought they had lost, and the Rock girl walked to accept her defeat, but Paper girl (who more appropriately should be Rock girl) got up to go, then sat back down, looked at the camera and said, confused as she clearly didn’t understand how it worked “Rock crushes Paper.” I nearly fell off the couch laughing my ass off. She actually thought she lost because the Rock would have crushed her Paper. And it made me think, in her version of this game, why would you ever choose Paper then? Scissors cut Rock, Rock crushes Paper. You probably couldn’t convince this girl that you ever won with Paper to her Rock.

And later on in a competition, another girl, when shown a picture of a screwdriver and asked to tell what kind it was (Phillips was the right answer) the girl said “Hand held.”

One of the Geeks was asked to fill in the blank with the name of a fashion designer:

(BLANK) St. Laurent

Now the guy said “Ralph.” And I thought at least that was a good guess. I mean, it is “Lauren,” only one letter away from “Laurent” But the girl looked at him like he should ride the short bus, and in an individual interview she said “Had he joined us in the hot tub last night he’d know this as we talked about Yves St. Laurent." Like Yves St. Laurent is a normal topic of conversation around hot tubs around the world. Insanity!

Oh, and I have a new word to add to my lexicon – Shoegasm! I am guessing this is that special feeling a person gets in their naughty parts when they find just the perfect shoe. I think as the IQ lowers, the more chance that you will experience a Shoegasm on a regular basis. Go ahead, prove me wrong! And the girl who talked about this looked like that idiot hairdresser, Paulette, from "Legally Blonde". Again, just had me rolling on the floor.

Chris & I watched this together virtually over AIM. We also watched "American Idol" beforehand, and though it had some good moments (the auditions always do) I don’t think AI compared to B & G. The little cowboy Garrett was adorable (and he is going to make Carl watch the regular show until he gets voted off), and the strange Zachary at the end (wearing high heel boots, low cut girls jeans, a swoop necked blouse and shoulder length hair crimped and pulled back behind the ears, high pitched voice and very feminine dance moves) who was taken aback when Randy asked “Are you a boy?” was certainly interesting, but I can’t remember all the funnier things from AI after watching B & G. Here’s hoping that they can make it through all the auditions to get some talented finalists.

Had my regular eggs/cheese & bacon for breakfast, and finished off my no noodle lasagna/casserole for lunch today. I think for dinner I am having pork. I have this Thai Peanut sauce, and it is thick, almost peanut butter consistency, and I have slathered this Thai Peanut sauce all over it a few days ago and have let it pseudo- marinade in it. I will put it in aluminum foil with some onions and peppers and bake it up. Maybe make a quick salad with shredded cheese and tomatoes as a starter. Hopefully I will be able to update that part after I finish eating. I am excited about dinner!

Food, glorious food! Hot sausage and mustard! While we're in the mood - Cold jelly and custard!

29 minutes running today, felt really good. I am starting to feel good about it. I think i can do that for a while. I want to give it about 2 more weeks of running 29 minutes, then I will start running 30 minutes. It is going well, so I don't want to mess with it.

Food today was pretty basic: egg/cheese & bacon for breakfast, had some of my casserole for lunch with a low carb Reese's cup, then had a huge dinner of Chicken Veggie soup, green beans, a low carb flat bread with sliced chicken and havarti cheese sandwich, and some cottage cheese with shredded cheddar cheese. Oh yeah, and two low carb ice cream sandwiches.

I have nothing else to say today. I am tired, very tired. So I am only going to do this quick update, and then finish watching American Idol and go to bed.

Don't try suicide, you're just gonna hate it, don't try suicide, nobody gives a damn

So the Supreme Court bitch slapped John Asscroft today. It is about time that some of the insanity that is the bullshit of GWB's first 5 years gets wiped away In the long run, I bet that many people will have wished that they didn't vote for that fuckwad. But now, the SCOTUS has struck down the stupidity of Asscroft and allowed the completely legal Oregon assisted suicide law to be reinstated. The Repubs think that they are for states rights unless they don’t like that states decisions. In the majority ruling, Justice Kennedy wrote "Congress did not have this far-reaching intent to alter the federal-state balance." The law was upheld 6-3.

This is my fear with Alito. That gives the bad guys one more fucking vote, and we all need to hope that John Paul Stevens stays healthy. Of course, if the GOP (Greedy Old Phuckers) win the presidency in 2008, then anything good that happened during the 90's will be wiped away, and our future as a great country is in question. The 80's proved that we can survive 8 years of insanity after Reagan, but I don't know if we can handle 12 years of it. Even the first George Bush wasn't too bad.

Ran for 29 minutes today. Ate eggs & cheese and bacon for breakfast, pork chops for lunch, then had some asparagus, casserole and a cheese & pepperoni sandwich for dinner. And soy chips. I love the soy chips. With some sour cream & onion dip. Gonna have one of my low carb ice cream sandwiches to top it off, and try to fall asleep by 10 pm. Go me!

A churlish refusal, in other words, to suck Satan's cock

Normally, the titles of my posts are song lyrics. This time, however, it is a line from the book "Saint Morrissey" by Mark Simpson. No the book is subtitled "A portrait of this charming man by an alarming fan." So that should tell you all you need to know about the book. Now Mr. Simpson is a good writer, and he writes for Salaon.com, and I've read some other of his stuff, but this book is such a love fest to Morrissey that I think it loses all points for reality. Even with that subtitle, it goes overboard and tries to make the case that Morrissey is the greatest pop artist, and that all music that came after The Smiths was rubbish...except of course for Morrissey's solo work, for which Mr. Simpson becomes an apologist for his bad solo stuff ("Kill Uncle" anyone?) and then tries to make it seem that his good solo stuff was just as good as The Smiths ("Vauxhall and I"), instead of just an attempt to mirror his work with Johnny Marr. (Did anyone even know that Morrissey released an album in 1997 called "Maladjusted"?)

Now, having said all that, I admit I've enjoyed the book; it is well written and has some great insights into a very enigmatic pop star. And really, anyone who can write the sentence "A churlish refusal, in other words, to suck Satan's cock," in reference to Morrissey, and make you realize that this is a completely true statement, is an excellent writer.

Today I ran for 29 minutes. I had to take a break in the middle, slowing down for 90 seconds, but I made it through. I don't want to do another 4 day running week. I want to do this 5 times a week from now on. Two weeks into this thing, and I've missed my goal both weeks. I will work harder this week and make my goal.

I ate a ham & cheese omelet wit bacon for breakfast, then for dinner had pork chops, asparagus (we seeing a pattern here?) and a small bit of that casserole that I made the other day. Obviously I love the pig! Now, since it is past the first two weeks, I did have a low carb Reese's Cup. I love them. And, just for fun, I just finished a cheese and bacon sandwich. I cooked up a pound of bacon for my breakfasts this week, and used two strips for a sandwich tonight. And some soy chips, and I didn't count them! Yeah, you heard me – no counting them! Unless I start gaining weight, then I will have failed, and maybe I’ll give this exercise thing up and be able to tell the firemen who come to break out my doorway so that the medics can carry me out to the care facility “I wash myself with a rag on a stick.”

Here we go Steelers, here we go!!

Wow! Wow! How do you describe that Steelers-Colts game? Being up 14-0 early in the game, Steelers holding Colts to a field goal after 1st & goal at the 8 yard line, the non-safety bullshit call, holding a 21-3 lead at the beginning of the 4th quarter, the non-call after Colts jump off side, the interception by Troy that was called not an interception (what the fuck was that all about??) the 2 sacks by Steelers with less than 2 minutes to go, the god-awful fumble by the Bus at the 1 yard line, the tackle by Big Ben, the missed field goal by the Colts with seconds left. Steelers win, Steelers win, Steelers win! Now it is on to Denver! We are ready for the big show.

I ate some hot sausage at lunch, then some more of my casserole that I made yesterday. I did drink a Diet Pepsi today, first one in 13 days, and it wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. Oh yeah, had 2 shots of Crown Royal – one misguided (after the Troy Polamalu’s interception) and then finally when the Steelers won.

OK, I need to calm down after that Steelers game. Too many emotions. After the Steelers game, Carl went to see Brokeback Mountain, and I don’t know why he’d go from one emotional roller coaster ride with the Steelers then the roller coaster ride that is Brokeback Mountain.

If the rain comes they run and hide their heads

So I did not run today, and I am not going to run. I worked with my Mom today, and stood on my legs for most of the 7 hours I worked, and my leg muscles are hurting. I am just going to take it easy tonight.

Finished last night with a chef salad with ranch dressing while Chris & I watched Queer as Folk. He'd never seen any of it before, and I think he enjoyed it. We're going to try to see a few episodes every week or so. Then I ate 20 more soy chips. Yeah, I counted them again.

Right after I finished washing my car, I drove to pick up Chris and it was pouring down rain. I am so glad that I cleaned out my gutters last night. And bagged those damn leaves, as it would make those leaves very heavy. And they were already very heavy.

Ate eggs & cheese this morning, had some cold cuts for lunch and some peanuts. Then, I made this little casserole that I've made before. More or less, it is a meat lasagna without the noodles. I use spinach in it, put layers of ricotta cheese, a ground turkey/sausage mix, red sauce, mushrooms and provolone & mozzarella cheeses in a casserole dish, top it off with pepperoni, then bake it for 40 minutes. It is gooey, cheesy and delicious.

I don't think I have anything else to write about. After I came home from working, I napped, then just cleaned the kitchen while I cooked. Watching football on 55" HDTV is so nice. I don't want to watch football any other way. But tomorrow, I will go to my grandfathers and watch the Steelers on a small, 19" tv. But I'll get to watch it with my grandfather, so I don't mind. Go Steelers.

You might meet a movie star or maybe even an Indian chief (Workin') at the car wash

I did run for 29 minutes yesterday. Felt great. For lunch yesterday I finished off the scallops & asparagus. Then, last night I ate broccoli and mini bacon cheeseburgers. I swear, they are small, meatball sized, and they are bacon & cheese filled. I know I was going to try to stay away from red meat in these two weeks, but fuck it. I also did break down and have some soy chips. I counted out 20 of them with dinner. I don't care, I've been good and I deserve them!

Went to see Munich last night with Kyle. Excellent movie, very well done, and it ended up being different than I thought. It wasn't some Israeli-apologist movie, and it wasn't just a revenge movie. Really deep, well done movie. Then I came home at 1 am and ate 40 more soy chips (and yes, I actually counted out 40 of them.)

Had cheese, sausage & tomato omelet this morning with bacon. Excellent omelet and this little greasy spoon down the street from my place. Mom & I go there a lot on Fridays.

I then went to see Brokeback Mountain by myself. I recommend this movie. It was different than I thought it would be. I don't know what I was expecting, but it ended up being so much more. The character development was amazing, the acting was excellent, the movie was just so well done. I think I expected some tear-jerker that tried to pull the emotions in every scene, and instead it really just told a story. And it made me glad I wasn't a gay cowboy in the Wyoming in the 60's & 70's.

I am not running today. After the movie, I came home and as it was beautiful, sunny & 68, I raked the back yard (very bad, and my back yard is filled with trees - didn't rake it in the fall, and it really needed it.) Then I got out the extension ladder and cleaned out 3/4 of my gutter. Didn't do the front of the house, but there are no trees to clog the front up too much. After that, it was dark and I washed my car - I hadn't done that since the spring at the least.

So, I have no energy left, and I want to shower and pick up Chris to watch some Queer as Folk. He's never seen it, and I have all of the episode (Actually, I'm missing one fucking episode in all 5 years, but it goes on sale 05/09/2006 on DVD so I will have it all). Therefore, no running. I will do it tomorrow. I'm helping my Mom out in the morning, till about 1 or 2 pm. Then I will run. I like that plan.

On top of spaghetti, all covered with CHEESE

Sea scallops. I love them, and I pan fried some up last night. I need some more spices in my house, as I fried them in butter and pepper only. And I still loved them. Thankfully, last time Kyle was over, he left 2 lemons (he made martini’s or cosmo’s or something such as that) and so I was able to use a small lemon wedge on the scallops.

I also tried turnip greens last night. I don’t think that you are just supposed to heat them and eat them. They were awful. Dreadful, actually. I finished them, but that will be the last time I do. Maybe there is a recipe out there to put them in. They reminded me of Kale – just terrible things to eat that are good for you.

And finished it off with asparagus, of course. Now this, I can get into. I want to get some fresh asparagus and steam it, I like that. I only had the canned stuff last night – still tasted great but I wanted fresh snappy asparagus. I think a trip to Whole Foods is in my future this weekend to stock up (today is, after all, pay day.) Oh, I snacked on some pork rind of course, and had some slices of cheese while cooking.

I ran for 29 minutes, same routine as Tuesday. Felt very good afterwards. I think I will stay at this level for the foreseeable future. It is fitting my schedule and is doable at this time.

I think I am eating too much cheese. I don’t have the adverse effects of cheese that some people do, but I think that I should spend a few weeks cutting back on it. The past few days, every meal I have usually has plenty of cheese with it, and I don’t just eat a little cheese. I’ve already gone through 2 pounds of American cheese this week alone. And it is only Thursday. And I have a pound super sharp cheddar and a pound of havarti at home ready for my 4 day fun fest of cleaning. Why can't I find the taste of Kale (once referred to as "Super Food") enchanting instead of fattening cheese? Calorie laden, fattening, creamy, tasty, calcium filled goodness known as cheese. I think I'm going to have some cheese right now.

Help me…

I woke up the next morning and what did I see? My baby's cookin' bacon and she blackened it for me.

Lisa: No I can't! I can't eat any of them!
Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
Homer: [Chuckles] Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

So last night, I may have overdone the bacon at bacon night. I did my usual cashews/cheese sticks for morning energy, Egg Beaters/cheese mid-morning, then I only had some lettuce wrapped turkey & cheese for lunch. I had a grilled chicken salad for dinner at the Harris…then I had 23 pieces of bacon. It was an excellent, medium-thick, smoked bacon, but it may have been too much. I just felt so bloated, but I couldn’t stop. I am not one to be able to say “NO!” to free bacon. I think my mom was jealous that I wasn’t taking her when I told her about it.

Today so far, I have had the same as yesterday morning - cashews/cheese sticks for morning energy, Egg Beaters/cheese mid-morning. I am planning on having a Wendy’s salad again for lunch (chicken BLT w/ ranch.)

I ran for 29 minutes last night, and it was mostly running. This is the routine I did:

Minutes
2 walking 3 mph
2 jogging 4 mph
22 running 5.5 mph
1 ½ jogging 4 mph
1 ½ walking 3 mph

Usually in the middle I’ve done some jogging/walking when It’s been tough, but yesterday I was able to run the 22 minutes straight through. I am hoping to be able to get used to that routine, instead of the little break in the middle. I think once I get to 30 minutes next week, I’m going to run that for at least 2 weeks straight, instead of going to 31 minutes. Just makes sense to me to let my body get used to it.

I am gearing up for a 4 day weekend where I am going to clean my house up, start setting getting out of boxes and generally make it feel like my own place. It’s only been 7 months that I’ve lived there – it’s about time I start emptying boxes. It’s not like I rent, I own this one, so I am saddled with a 30 year mortgage; not going anywhere! I plan each day over the weekend to clean different area, and hope that I can be organized enough to do it, or at least make a dent on all the boxes I have.

I think I am also going to do stuff with friends. I know Kyle & I are planning on a dinner/movie tomorrow night (Munich) as his partner is busy, and he doesn’t work this Friday, and I think I will ask Chris to do a Queer as Folk night on one of those evenings (if he is free.) I have a habit of hibernating in the winter time (no bear jokes, please) and I want to get out there more, do more things with friends than just talk on the phone and IM them. I’ve done more when Carl is in town as he wants to do more, but now that he has his own home, he won’t be up as often, and I will tend to sit at my home watching whatever is On Demand.

(To the tune of Goldfinger) Max Power, he's the man, whose name you'd love to touch. But you mustn't touuuuuuuuuuuuuch.

Homer: Kids, there's three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster!

I think today is the toughest day for me. This is the day where the diet & exercise is doing nothing, there is no noticeable change in anything on me, and yet I feel like I’ve suffered a lot so far, running and not eating all the foods I want. I know, intellectually, that it will happen.

I did something similar to this at the beginning of 2003, but I was using the Gazelle (www.tonylittle.com) and after you get used to it, there is no resistance, and it wasn’t any good for me, so I slowed down using it, and then stopped…and then things happened, life went on, and I became fat again. But I do credit that exercise/diet regimen with helping, because I was actually over 270 pounds when I started that one. I was down to about 236 pounds when I stopped that, and was doing well, but plateaued for about 3 months at 236 and could lose more, and the Gazelle wasn't helping. So I will keep running, and keep eating lower carb, and I will lose the weight and be healthier.

I am going to Bacon Night at the Harris Grill in Shadyside (www.harrisgrill.com) with Holly. If you sit at the bar, after 7:30 you get a basket of 4 strips of bacon. And if you want more, you will get another basket of 4 strips of bacon. And this isn’t old crusty bacon I’m talking about. I’ve had basket after basket of good, meaty, juicy thick bacon time and time again on a Tuesday night! We plan on getting as much bacon into our systems as possible. Of course, I will get a salad before the bacon, and the I will stop eating by 9 pm – don’t want to sleep on a completely bacon full stomach, now do I?

I am going to run before dinner. I have to get home during rush hour traffic, run for 29 minutes and shower all before 7 pm (I leave work at 5:15) when Hol & I will be heading towards The Harris. It will be cutting it close, but I don’t think I want to cut out the shower (at least for Holly’s sake) and I certainly want to get my run in before I eat that much bacon.

I wanted to take him home and I got him so I shouldn't groan, but I can't sleep

29 minutes running today. It got difficult about halfway through, and I think that a large part of the difficulty was just thinking about how long I needed to run. As it got to minute 14, I just thought it was going to take forever to get done. It was a struggle, but I pushed through it, and finished strong. It felt great to finish it, and I look forward to more.

Only had some cold cuts for dinner, with some sugar free bread and butter chips. And a handful of pork rinds. I did go out and get some soy chips, but I won't eat them until at least next Monday at the earliest. I swear, I can be strong and not give in to temptation.

I am going to try to get to bed early tonight. I think that is an important part of being healthy, getting plenty of sleep. I used to work until 8pm, and I could then sleep in until 7 or 7:30 am, get plenty of sleep. Felt great, had a better attitude, and even worked better. Was actually healthy, according to my doctor, except for the obesity thing.

Nowadays, I have to be up by 5:30-ish in the am, and yet I still go to sleep by the same time, around 11-ish pm. I can't seem to get to bed before 11 pm no matter what I do. Oh well. I will have to start working on getting more sleep.

Now I'm smelling like bourbon flavored pork rinds in the government cheese line

After another great Steelers victory, I ended eating some ham & cheese last night, with this wonderful low carb philly beef & vegetables soup. It was truly a very good soup, and I’m not the biggest soup fan. I had some green beans (french style, a particular favorite of mine) to boot. And, just cause I know some people will cringe, I ad some crunchy pork rinds last night. I know what pork rinds are, so please don’t try to explain them to me. I love them, though. I once watched a special when I was young on how mayonnaise is made, and it seems to include many portions of oil & egg yolk, and it looks horrifying to watch, but I’m not giving up mayonnaise anytime soon, and I won’t give up pork rinds anytime soon. It’s not like I eat them at every meal, but sometimes I like something crunchy to munch. Usually I have Soy Chips (www.snydersofhanover.com/Pages/Bakery%20Selections/products_soycrisps.html)in the cupboard, but they are too addictive, and I can’t just eat a handful of them. I end up eating them by the bagful at one sitting.

So far today, I’ve had some cheese sticks and cashews for some energy early on in the day, more Egg Beaters & cheese for a mid-morning snack, and a Chicken BLT salad from Wendy’s at lunch. Feeling good so far today.

Since I don’t have a scale, Carl asked me this weekend how I would know when this diet/exercise regimen was working. I will know from the way I feel. I might go to my parents every few weeks and check on how it is going, but I will know whether I’ve lost weight or not just by being around myself every day. I know what it felt like to be fat, to get out of breath from sitting on my couch and bending over to tie my shoes with my big belly being in the way. I will know by how clothes are fitting. But more important, I will be healthier no matter how much actual weight I lose.

And every once in a while I will weigh myself. But I fear that if I keep checking weight, I will again be able to talk myself into any food as a “reward” for losing a pound or two. I’ve done it before, where I will look at some food and think “Well, I’ve lost a pound this week, I deserve to eat this cheesecake,” and next thing I know I’ve downed ½ of the entire cheesecake! So I’ve decided not to have any scale at my house for the foreseeable future.

You just go and lay your head on a Pittsburgh Steeler fan

I didn't run yesterday, however I did get a lot of activity in packing the truck with Carl's stuff and then unpacking it in Maryland. It was also a long day, starting at 9:30 am, ending at just about 8 pm, I believe. My nephews did the hard part, as they were the ones being paid, however I did plenty.

I had a cheese & sausage omelet with bacon for breakfast/lunch and on the drive to Maryland I had a bag of peanuts and beef jerky. Drank nothing but water all day long.

Had wonderful, wonderful Mongolian BBQ for a later dinner. I had two bowls full, one with beef & one with mostly pork and some lamb. All good veggies grilled up with the meat. I love Mongolian BBQ. My boss told me about it a few years ago, and I thought it sounded awful...then I went to one, and wish we had one here in the 'Burgh. If you haven't been to one, there is a large bowl shaped steel bbq in the middle of the room with 2-3 chefs. Surrounding this is fresh veggies/fruits & raw meat set up salad-bar-type and then different oils at the ends. You put what you want into the bowl, and can either add your own meat & oils or tell the chef to do it (I always tell them to make it spicy) and they take it and grilled up in front of you. The one in Chinatown in DC is called Tony Chengs, and I have loved it every time I've been. Again I will reiterate, we need one in Pittsburgh.

Slept in a bit today at the hotel, and then had a meat/cheese scrambled egg breakfast with sausage & bacon. Everyone else had french toast, and I wanted to steal all of it and shove it down my throat. It smelled/looked fantastic, but I had to fight the urge. Oh, mine came with pancakes and hash browns, but Carl made sure he put salt, sugar, pepper and Brandon put ketchup on those and stopped me from even being interested in them.

I am home now, got home about 10 minutes before the Steelers game started. If I really wanted to not eat, I should hope the Steelers played every day when I am suddenly hungry. I have tried 2 times to make some food, but when I looked at the ingredients (and saw yet another stupid penalty from the Steelers) I am then suddenly not hungry. Grrrrr! I figure, whatever happens in the game, I will be eating after it anyway. Go Steelers.

Back to running tomorrow for 29 minutes. I think that is going to be tough, but I am looking forward to it.

Here, There, and everywhere! Hip, Hip, so hip to be a square!

Whew...today was tough for me. First, I had to work on a Friday, and that always sucks. In my normal work week, I work Monday through Thursday for 10 hours. And no Fridays. However, When there is a day off from work for a holiday, I have to work 8 hours the other days of the week.

Then I had to get my oil changed, which is somehow a 2 hour ordeal with Firestone. Walked around the mall bored shitless. Then had to go to parents home for a while. So I got my running in late today. But I did the full 28 minutes. Got a cramp at about minute 12, but just ran through it. Glad I did it, and hope I can get around to it tomorrow.

I didn't start till after 8 pm, so I had to watch different tv than I am used to while running. I watched "Beauty & the Geek." This is a stupid show where they have hooked up these hot chicks and geeky guys and put them through all these strange activities - camping, sports, nice dinners, etc. And they get eliminated one couple at a time. It plays into all stereotypes about geeks and pretty girls. I will say, though, that most of girls are arrogant in their attitudes towards the guys. These guys are all geniuses (according to the set up of the show) and probably had a rough life, being picked on, have some of their social skills stunted, and these chicks have had everything handed to them because of their looks, and they still think they are better people because of this (In a commercial for Beauty & the Geek 2, one girl is asked where roast beef comes from, and she scrunches up her cute little nose, thinks real hard and says “Arby’s?” HA!) . Of course I kept watching because one of these guys was so my type! I am a geek queen!

runnin’ down a dream, that never would come to me

So I was on the treadmill for 28 minutes today. I will have to say I could only run for 18 minutes, jogged for a few minutes and walked the rest of the time until I got to 2 miles. That was a lot harder than it was on Tuesday, just one day off and all. I am going to do my whole routine tomorrow. I hope so, as not doing it won't make me lose any more weight. Good thing I didn't each much of anything yesterday, so I shouldn't be too far off. We shall see...

For lunch I had a veggie mix of cauliflower & broccoli. For dinner, I had 6 hot wings tonight. Then I had some sliced ham and cheese wrapped in lettuce. Then a cup of cottage cheese with shredded cheddar cheese. That is it.

I am craving the small things. I even have sugar free candy, but I don't want to eat it for the first 2 weeks. I want Diet Mountain Dew so bad, but only water for me for these first two weeks. After that, I will see how I feel, and what I am craving at that time. I hope I can break my cravings. And keep running.

And the calf that you carve with a smile Is MURDER And the turkey you festively slice Is MURDER

Last night I just rested. No running. I will say I feel much better than yesterday. I went home from work, slept for 2 hours, then got up, finished drying laundry, uploaded more songs onto the iPod, and then went to sleep at 10. I don’t feel 100% better today, but don’t feel like someone beat me up with a sock full of batteries.

All day long, I only ate one piece of cheese, then had a grilled chicken salad at about 7 last night, and a small handful of peanuts. Not exactly the most healthy day of eating, but I felt that if I ate anything earlier in the day, I would be seeing it again later on.

So far this morning, I’ve had some Egg Beaters with cheese. About a cup of them heated in the microwave. Put slice of cheese on top, it’s all a good breakfast. And I don’t feel like vomiting today.

I think I feel good enough to run tonight. I got ready to run last night, but had a headache and felt just shitty, achy and all that, so I decided not to do it. I hope I can jump right back into it tonight. And get it going at Carl’s on Saturday. After a long day of packing his stuff up in Pittsburgh then driving down to DC and unpacking, I’m hoping I have energy to do it. He got us two hotel rooms, so hopefully, there is some type of treadmill or running track there and I can do at the hotel. We shall see…

I was wondering how I was going to exercise while on vacation. I had been planning a trip to Thailand next month, and that would be 2 weeks of no exercise and eating poorly. Well, poorly at least in terms of low carb. But I don’t think I will being making it back to Thailand until November of this year.

Last time I went to Thailand, though, I did lose some weight. It is so hot and humid, and the places I stayed at did not have air conditioning, so I sweated a lot. So much of the food, especially the veggies and seafood, is fresh, so that is good. But it all comes with noodles and rice, and I can’t say no to the food. Or the beer. I can say no to the cabbies/tuk tuk drivers (tuk tuk is a 3 wheeled vehicle that goes at insane speeds through the streets of some Southeast Asian cities– www.math.uio.no/~fredrigl/technic/tuk-tuk/ ), but saying no to the food & beer is harder. Hmmm…that might explain this website a lot more.

Actually, it seems that my vacations can really explain this website more often than not. There is this restaurant in Berlin that serves the most divine apple strudel I have ever tasted. I don’t know the name of the place, but I know exactly where it is, on Unter den Linden just down from Alexander Platz. I have eaten it there 3 times, in 3 separate years, and each time it was incredible. I want to eat it now, to be honest.

I go to the Edmonton Folk Music Festival (www.efmf.ab.ca) every year, and other than the wonderful music, I look forward to trying all the different foods available by the vendors. They do a fantastic job of bringing in so many different types of foods, and I like trying just about everything. And the beer, of course. It’s all about the beer and food. Hmmm...I'm feeling the urge to run right now just thinking of all those things.

But maybe its fair to say there was a lack of communication, oh, and Enid, Enid you caught a cold.

So I woke up this morning surprised that it was morning already. I felt like shit. Complete and utter shit. I might be getting the flu, or I'm having a reaction to the ImiTaters. I'm hoping it is just a reaction, cause I don't want to get sick. And I keep thinking, why couldn't I have gotten really sick over the weekend and missed the whole funeral thing? At least I'd have had an excuse.

I talked to my friend Carl this morning (was going to use an alias for each friend, but then won't remember the alias, and we will all get confused) and he told me that it is bad to exercise when you are sick. I wonder if that is true. I trust Carl on these issues, mainly because he was a big fattie as well 2 years ago, then he started running and eating correctly, and he lost about 70 pounds, now he is a skinny bitch. There, I said it! Whatcha gonna do about it?

So, if I continue to feel like shit, feel like someone beat the snot out of me with a baseball bat, I will probably not run tonight. If I get better quick, I will try to run on Saturday then. Maybe I can just walk/jog tonight, and really try to make that fifth run of the week on Saturday. The problem with that is I am helping Carl move into his new condo with my nephews this weekend. Carl lives in DC, and I am in Pittsburgh - so it will be a long day as it is. Hmmmm...this is annoying. Just started the regimen, and it is becoming difficult. But the only road blocks I can put up are my own. Must break them down.

And something there turns them down those lawless avenues

This evening was the toughest running I've had yet to date. For some reason at about 8 minutes, I just wanted to stop. Right shoulder muscle started aching for some reason. Don't think I pulled anything, but it made it a little bit more difficult of a run. Still made it to 28 minutes, 2.2 miles total. But I did it today, only about 30 more years of running until I can probably finally stop.

Cooked dinner, turkey mignon again. They are so very good. I also had some mixed veggies, and then some "ImiTaters," which are mashed cauliflower (www.imitaters.com), then some more mixed veggies and, to top it all off, a ground ostrich burger patty with cheese. Oh, I did forget that I had a salad with some ranch dressing at the beginning of the meal. All tasted great. And I am completely full. No desire for sweetness...well, not too much desire.

At work today, someone called on the phone and actually made a threat to sue to stop "the witchhunt." OK, so I am not really going to talk about work here, but one of the things that I have to do is request medical records. And a lawyer is calling THAT a witchhunt. Do these fucking people know what a withchunt really is? Was there any some perceived threat or hidden enemy, and with a witchhunt there usually is some connotation of hysteria, injustice and prejudice...and I don't think that my requesting medical records on a dead guy is a fucking witchhunt? Do they teach anything but hyperbole in law school? Some fucking attorneys suck.

Hit that perfect beat boy

So I finished food last night with a small cup of cottage cheese with shredded cheddar cheese on top. Yummy. I finished eating this at just before 9 pm. That is another part of my regimen – no eating past 9 pm. I just think that if I can cut this back, less sleeping on a full stomach, and I’ve read that that is bad for you. Just one more rule in this weight loss program on which I have put myself.

I actually like cottage cheese, to be honest, but I’ve had such a sweets taste recently that I wanted to end my evening with some ice cream. It was the sugar free ice cream, but I want to get away from that for these first two weeks. Trying to detox my body, in one way. Too bad I can’t detox my brain, eh?

I am hoping now that the whole funeral is out of the way that I can get onto happier topics when I write. At least lighter topics than death and abandonment (not in that order) as I don’t think I am some unhappy person most of the time. Lighthearted topics.

Going to get home and try to run as soon as I get home. I want to get to the store and buy some more fresh vegetables. I really like veggies, so that is easy, but I hate steaming asparagus. I get lazy, buy the canned stuff and just heat it in the microwave. I want to get into the habit of really fresh broccoli and such. One day.

I usually run with the tv on, which is a good way for me to run. I tried running without it on, and that is boring. It makes it harder to do it. Last night, I ran with the iPod on. I am a recent addition to the iPod nation. I decided to wait and buy the big one, 60GB. So far, it is great, but I have a slight problem. Shuffle.

You see, I like so many different types of music, that when you hit shuffle it can really mess with your head. I was listening to Rolling Stones “Under My Thumb,” then off to Green Day “Holiday” and then “Overture” from the musical Chicago – kind of a mind fuck when you’re trying to run. I think I need to go into iTunes and create a few playlists for when I am running. It might prevent a moment when I stop concentrating on staying on the treadmill thinking how the iPod decided to play Cher “Believe” (I did tell you I was gay, right?) after playing Izzy Kamakawiwo’ole “Somewhere over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World,” followed by Nina Simone “My Baby Just Cares For Me,” then crashing into my back wall. Concentration is important when running at 5.5 mph on the treadmill with a wall about 7 inches from the back of the it!

I thought you died alone, a long long time ago

So I ran for 28 minutes today. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I usually walk for 2 minutes at 3 mph, then 2 minutes at 4 mph, then about 10 minutes at 5 mph with a 2 minute break at 3 or 4 mph, then back to 5 mph. Well, today, started off as usual, 3 mph then 4 mph, but then I ran for 22 straight minutes at 5 mph. Then the cool down of 90 seconds at 4 mph, 90 seconds at 3 mph. My recovery time is getting quicker and quicker.

When I first started this, I would run/jog for 20 minutes, and then it would take 30-45 minutes to be able to walk around afterwards. I felt dizzy and exhausted afterwards. Nowadays, it only takes about 5 minutes of walking around my house before I am able to do something else. Getting healthier.

I had a steak salad with no french fries for lunch, no breakfast, water all day long, and tonight I am making turkey mignon wrapped in bacon, spinach and broccoli.

I had to get up early and go to the funeral at 9 am. Then, my sister, brother-in-law and I drover to the gravesite to bury my father. It was a 2 hour drive from the funeral home to the cemetery, and it was awful. Then it was rainy and muddy at the cemetery, and I got called into duty as a pall bearer at the cemetery. Quite annoying.

And through it all, nothing. I felt no sadness, no crying, no gnashing of the teeth. It was just lame. Fuck it. And I don't feel bad that I don't feel bad. I wanted to at some point, but I couldn't. My oldest brother, who was closest to our father, was very sad. And I stood there at the gravesite, in front of his casket, and thought "Wish I was upset." But I can’t make something out of nothing.

Got to have lunch with some of the family I don’t see often. Adopted brother and sister, little brother to my father’s second marriage, Uncle (brother of my father) and one of my only 2 cousins. They aren’t a part of my life, and I don’t feel as bad about that afterwards. At one point, adopted sister asked my sister if the 4 children my father abandoned all graduated from high school. Like it was something rare to have graduated from high school. We all did. They all didn’t. My cousin made up some story of when we all would visit the graveyard (2 hours from Pittsburgh), thinking my brothers and sisters went with them. We didn’t. She forgot her mother and grandmother abandoned my mom and the four of us when my father left.

People are all fucked up, and I am related to too many of them.

If I could turn back time...I don't think I would

So I ran 27 minutes yesterday. Felt good after it was done, and my recovery time is speeding up. I went to the store and got a lot of good food for the next two weeks; chicken, turkey, vegetables, etc.

My goal is to flush out my system starting tomorrow. A lot of water and veggies, try to stay away from a lot of sodium, sugar and caffeine. I have been eating so poorly recently, and I hope I can just cut off the bad food and not crave anything.

The only thing that could slow that down is my father's funeral is tomorrow. I fear some of the out of towners might want to meet up for lunch after the funeral, and I don't want any type of temptation.

So I realize, after reading that, that it sounds quite cold. Before you judge me, let me explain. My real father left my mother when she was 3 months pregnant with me (and my 3 older siblings). I have never lived with my real father, and, in all reality, he has never had much of a presence in my life. Purposely. He worked hard at not being a part of my life. So, when I think of his funeral, it is more of something I will do for my siblings than for myself. There was one time in the 90's when he had the chance to at least have a relationship with me.

His sister died, and he while he was in town (he lived in Texas, and usually worked overseas) he had a separate dinner with most of his kids here. This is where I got to tell him that I was gay, which he had already been told (his first response was "How can you do that to little boys," and I had to explain the difference between homosexual and pedophile.) and he was going to make an effort to keep in touch. I got the first and only birthday card from him the next year in my life. I got a drunken phone call a few years later around Christmas time, and one message from his drunken fourth wife sometime, and that was it.

So now I think the only thing to slow down my plan is the funeral, or, more accurately, after the funeral. But I will be working my best to start tomorrow in full gear; eating better and running 28 minutes.