Homer: Blame me if you must, but don't ever speak ill of the Program! The Program is rock solid! The Program is sound!

For Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday, take what I wrote about Wednesday, lather, rinse and repeat. I don't know why I did it, but I did. If I kept it around 3,000 calories per day, I'd be surprised. It was deep fried madness all weekend.

And it wasn't all just impulse eating. It was bad decisions. Saturday, I had a Boca grilled burger, nice veggie burger, had some low fat cheese, low fat mayo, a slice of onion and lettuce. All less than 200 calories. Well, what goes perfect with a nice burger? Deep fried french fries. And I didn't even measure them out, just filled up the basket in the deep fryer. And while I had the deep fryer warm, might as well throw in a few pizza rolls. Just a handful.

In Europe, they dip french fries in mayo. And it isn't like our usual mayo, it does taste a bit different, and is usually creamier. When I was in Amsterdam, I bought a squeeze bottle of their "Pommes Frites" sauce that was garlic flavored. So I dipped my friend in that garlicy wonderfullness. Then at a Take 5 Peanut Butter bar. Just because it was there.

Needless to say, I don't feel particularly healthy today. Or thin. I feel bloated and fat. I ran on Friday, but decided because of softball Saturday & Sunday not to run either of those days. Not sure if that worked or not, but I will jump back onto the treadmill today and continue with the Program. The Program is solid. Don’t blame the Program!

In the belly of a whale, my broken hull and tattered sail.

Here is an accounting of yesterday, and how the food just got away from me.

9:52 am – phone rings at my work desk. “This is Mike,” I answer.

“It’s Gary. I’m working downtown today, do you want to catch lunch?”

Now I rarely see Gary, mostly because he lives far away in a place called Beaver, and I’m not a big fan of being in any place called “Beaver,” and also because he travels for a living, so when he gets back home on Thursday evenings, he doesn’t always want to get back into his car and drive 40 minutes into civilization from said Beaver.

“Yeah, that’d be great,” I respond. I know in the back of my head that I have brought a perfectly normal lunch that I could eat here, lower in calorie and full of veggie and fruity goodness, but seeing a good friend is always worth breaking a diet now and again.

11:22 am - We met and went to the Amazon Café. I had a small wrap with fat free ranch dressing, some plain Baked Lays and a diet soda. All within diet, and I couldn’t imagine more than 350 calories total.

We finished early and went to a small park to walk and look at cute college students play hacky sack. They were all there, with there shaggy hair and their baggy shorts and their tanned, muscular legs, and their tight t-shirts, lifting up just enough to reveal their flat stomachs with just a little hairline going down. Oh yeah, who’s your daddy! Oh, you’ve been a naughty boy…

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, food. So Gary mentioned something about hot dogs. Now I don’t remember the exact context as I was, well, preoccupied with the beauty surrounding me, but then, for no apparent reason, I suddenly wanted a hot dog.

11:57 am - There was a hot dog stand by the park, so I went to order one for $2.25. However, I really wanted a diet soda with that, and it was $.75, BUT, I could get a hot dog, diet soda and bag of chips for $2.75! Much better deal, and I could give the chips to Gary.

12:14 pm - Gary didn’t want to chips, I didn’t want to carry them back to the car and drive them back to work, and I didn’t want to waste them, so I ate them. Another extra 150 calories on top of whatever the hot dog and bun were (yellow mustard is very low in calories, so I don’t count that at all.)

I go back to work and all is back to normal. Then, for no reason whatsoever, one of my co-workers mentions a Peanut Butter Take bar, and really, aren’t they just the most prefect treat ever invented? I had it in my head from that time forward that I really wanted a Peanut Butter Take 5 bar.

2:12 pm - I run from vending machine to vending machine and there wasn’t any in stock. Thinking that anything peanut butter-ish will get me over this strange craving, I got a small bag of Reese’s pieces. Nope, didn’t do it, so I went back to get something else and ended up with a Big Kit Kat! Fuck, that was like 440 calories for two small snacks.

3:11 pm - So then I decided that since I’d gone off my regularly scheduled program, I might as well have one of the Krispy Kreme doughnuts that had been tempting me all day long on the table 3 feet behind my desk (“Mike – eat me! You know you can’t resist the glazed raspberry filled goodness that I am! Just eat me!” “NO, you ugly fuckers!” I’d scream back.” “But one bight will satisfy that strange urge you are feeling to eat me anyway. Then your body will release the endorphins that will help you fight the rest of the day!” And yet I still resisted all day, until about 3 pm.) Sadly, that turned into 2 Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

I go home and run. I run a lot, got up to 2.8 miles, sweated something good, really felt great. Then went to my sisters for my nephews 14th birthday.

“Uncle Mike, have a piece of cake,” Steve said.

“Yeah, Mike, have a piece. You know it is your favorite,” said my sister.

“You had a piece of my cake, Uncle Mike,” Said Brandon, Steve’s older brother.

“Why don’t you want a piece of my birthday cake, Uncle Mike?”

7:21 pm - So I had a piece. It was one of those ice cream cakes. Well, it’d be rude not to partake in my nephew’s birthday cakes. And really, it’s almost like tradition to have a piece of birthday cake.

7:31 pm - And then, with no peer or family pressure, and for no reason at all, I had a second piece.

Driving my mother home after the birthday party, she said “Oooh, let’s stop off at Arby’s so that I can get some sandwiches for your step-father’s lunch tomorrow.”

“Okay,” I say, knowing that some turkey, fat free cheese and light whole wheat bread sandwich is waiting for me at home. We get out of the car and into the Arby’s.

8:52 pm - They have some new deal where you can choose 5 different things for 5 dollars. Before my mother can reach the counter, I slide in front of her and say “I’ll take two Arby melts, two curly fries and an order of mozzarella cheese sticks.” I paid my $6.37 and went home and devoured it all.

9:48 pm - I still have my low calorie ice cream sandwich.

And that is how I had over 3,000 calories in one day.

When you're home, darling all you've got to be is you. But when in Rome, do as the Romans do

Ran very well last night, up to 2.7 miles. Then I ate too much food. I ended up having 2039 calories yesterday, about 539 more than I normally do, but that is alright for now. I should be able to run that off.

I am wearing the jeans I bought before I went to Amsterdam, 36 waist. They didn’t fit so well after the Amsterdam trip, but they are fitting fine now. Several people have already told me that they think I look thinner, and really, isn’t that really what it should be about? Not the health issue and not the mobility issue: I look so much better!

Actually, the health issues and the mobility issues are what helped me concentrate to lose the weight, so that is what it is much more about, but the effects are wonderful.

Softball playoffs are this weekend, and I am a much better outfielder than I’ve ever been because of my new mobility/agility. I’ll have to explain it in another post, but I’ve also become an asshole. I don’t know why, but I take out more frustration on the field than I have in past years.

There really isn’t too much to say today, as I am really busy with the house and with work, so I am going to leave it at that. I have 2 weeks from today until I am on a plane to Edmonton, and I can’t wait to be on the hillside of Gallagher Park listening to some music. I need it right now. It is the perfect getaway every August.

Oh it's so dumb that I'm intrigued by the thunder and the lightening comes streaming in my home

Another weekend of comfort food. At Friday’s weigh-in, I was down another couple pounds, to 217. And then I got some more bad news about the house and my finances. I won’t go into it here, but let’s just say that a couple hundred dollars are missing from my bank account, and it will be some time before they are put back into it.

My decision to go all electric does have one major reason behind it other than getting rid of gas – my grandfather is an electrician, and my nephew is becoming an electrician. Problem is that my grandfather had a small job to do this weekend, and couldn’t get to my house, and I wouldn’t ask a 76 year old man to work all day Saturday and then spend Sunday at my house rewiring the box and stringing 100 feet of cable. Either way, Carl will be able to put in the hot water heater this Saturday for free, so I am going to live the next 6 days (and counting) without hot water in my house. Yeah me!

After a lot of bad news, I self medicated with food yet again. I went through a bag of French fries. Deep fried. And many other bad things. I think part of it was self medication, and part of it was reward for having lost weight, even after some bad evenings the prior week. Either way, bad weekend over all.

I did run on Thursday, Friday & yesterday, and I’ve been going longer each day, up to 2.7 miles. I know already that I will be interrupted again for a week in August, but after that, I should be able to really start working on topping 3 miles daily when I run. I am starting to look forward to being able to concentrate on just running, and not on vacations that interrupt my running (and I already know that the vacations are all voluntary, so no need for me to bitch about them interrupting my running. I see the duality of the situation I’ve put myself.)

I am showering at my parent’s house this week, due to my lack of hot water, and this will give me the opportunity to track my weight every day. I don’t know if that is good or bad, but I will know more by the end of the week.

If I acted less like me would I be in the clear?

I was eating well and had all plans to run yesterday. And then I got bad news. The gas lines coming into my home are full of holes and my gas is shut off until it is repaired. That isn’t good, I guess. It isn’t good to the tune of a lot of money. So I went out for some comfort food.

Using a web site on nutritional information on different foods, I ate approximately 3,037 calories yesterday, 1,917 after 10 pm. Let me tell you, if you go to Taco Bell, don’t get the 7 layer burrito. That alone is about 520 calories and 22 grams of fat. Holy Shit! That is a lot of calories. And I used to eat 2 or 3 7 layer burritos when I was younger. How did I ever get fat again?

It made me wonder why I don’t drink beer for comfort instead of shoving 7 layer burritos down my throat when I am angry & upset. Of course, if I drank instead of over-eating, this blog might be titled “12 steps to better life with Jesus?” instead of “No pain…no gain?” Something to think about.

I will do better today. I have to do better today. Over 3,000 calories isn’t an option for the future, at least not on a regular basis.

I have decided (with Carl reminding me of the alternative) to go all electric. I had talked in the past about getting away from natural gas, but didn’t think I’d do it now, like this weekend. Oh well, it has to be done sometime, might just as well be now.

Gimme head with hair, long beautiful hair, shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen. Give me down to there hair

So I had the weigh-in on Friday, and I am back down to 219 lbs. I don’t know how I have gotten back down to what I continually refer to as “pre-Amsterdam weight,” but I have. I only ran 4 times last week and didn’t eat particularly low calorie, but there it was, on the scale. 219 lbs.

I then ran Friday and Saturday, 30 minutes each time, and made it through the regular running routine though a bit slower than before, but I will work myself back up to running 7 mph. It looks like I’m back on track. I am quite happy and a little surprised at my ability not to just stop doing it altogether. Not that I’m breaking my arm patting myself on my back, but I am doing better than I thought I would.

Which brings me to last night. After running, I had to go to my parent’s house, and my brother J.J. and his 2 year old were in for a visit from Manhattan. So J.J., who is 3 years older than me, was looking in the mirror at his hairline and says “Mike, are you losing your hair?” (More as a question cause he thinks he is and we share genes and look alike, not due to any observation on his part, clearly, as he wasn’t looking at me and hasn’t seen me in 9 months and you’d think he say something about weight loss before hair loss if he was looking directly at me.)

And my mother, without a beat having passed, says “Yes he is.”

I am wondering if maybe I’m missing something, as I’ve never really paid attention to my hair. I mean, I know it is there, and I use good shampoo and conditioner, but nothing fancy, and I hate to put any “product” in it to make it go one way or the other. I colored my hair once when I was in college, but that was 15 years ago and I have no desire to do it again.

I went home and looked into the mirror. And I will say that the sides of the top are further back than I remember, but the top seems to be the same as it always has been, at least to my eye. The sides and back of my hair are thick and annoying, whereas the top has always seems a bit thin to me, but I don’t actually think it has changed.

I stopped going to the same stylist earlier this year that I had been using for about 8 years as the shop he worked in and was convenient for me to get to closed up, but I sort of asked him at one point if he thought my hair was changing, and he didn’t think so, so I didn’t think of it again. But now, my mother seems to think I am losing my hair.

I am now wondering if I should get some sort of hair product that will help keep my hair where it is. But I’ve never, ever looked into any type of this product and don’t know where to start. And what if I spend extra money on a panacea that will actually be a placebo? What if it actually works in reverse and makes all my hair fall out instead of just the sides and some off the top?

Should I start growing a mullet to make up for the loss of hair on top? Should I just shave my entire head to make it seem like I’m comfortable with no hair? Maybe I’ll keep the same hair style I currently have but have them thin out the part that is not thin yet and maybe make it look like I’m losing all my hair evenly.

Instead, I shaved my back hair, which isn’t easy to do all alone.

You say you've seen seven wonders

am in a horribly bad mood this week. Actually, since the end of May, I can say that I’ve been in a bad mood any time I’ve been in the good old USA. I don’t think being in the country has anything to do with it, but it coincides with the time that I have to be at work.

Now don’t get me wrong, I got no problem working. I actually am currently in a position I enjoy and seem to be good at performing. Not often do people get to use the sentence “Get me that forensic pathologist on the phone to review this report” during their jobs, so I think I have a cool job. I also like the way the work is managed. I have been micromanaged in the past, and I abhor it, and vowed never to put myself into a situation where I would be treated so poorly by management.

But for some reason the idea of work isn’t doing it for me right now. I am not liking having to get up in the morning. I am not liking having to talk to people on the phone about all kinds of problems. And I don’t want to be sitting at my desk all day long. I am bitter at having to go to work.

I am angry at the people who talked me into buying a home, because this is making me feel like I HAVE to go to work every day until I pay it off when I am like 60 years old. I am upset that I was ripped out of the bosom of my family home to by my own place and be saddled with a mortgage, which makes me go to work which makes me miserable.

I guess I should point out that I moved back to my parent’s home in 2001 to be able to do 2 things: 1 - to help in the care of my grandmother as she was nearing the end of a long illness, and 2 - to travel around the world. My grandmother passed away the year after I moved back home, and since that time I traveled all over the USA, Europe, Canada & one 2 week trip to South East Asia.

And even since I moved into my own home in June 2005, I have taken trips to: Paris, France; Raleigh, NC; Chicago, IL; Washington DC; Columbus, OH; Edmonton, Alberta; Amsterdam, NL; Rome, Italy. So it isn’t like I’ve been stopped from doing anything I want.

AND STILL, I am in a bad mood about working and being in the office. And I know this is completely and totally irrational. Makes no sense whatsoever. Even if I didn’t have a home, I’d still need to have a job. And since I need to have a job, I might as well have the job I currently have.

And yet, when I think of work I get bitchy and moody and cranky and want to tear my hair out and scream.

Ran pretty well last night for 30 minutes. Fell great afterwards, to be honest, and then had some wonderful veggie dinner afterwards. I am getting on the scale tomorrow morning, so there will be more gnashing of teeth and wailing of voices coming from the Eastern suburbs of Pittsburgh I am sure. Not that it will be that bad, as I still fit into my "thinner" clothes easily, but I just haven't done enough these past few weeks to get it all going. I need to work on that.

On a diamond in the rough I spent my better years

I ran last night hard for the first time in two weeks and my legs are killing me. And this might be slightly good, as I am not able to run anyway with my schedule. I am leaving work early to get a good parking spot for the 77th annual MLB All Star game tonight at beautiful PNC Park in Pittsburgh.

So for one night I will be watching some good old baseball at the park, and I normally would say that the Pirates are not going to lose this game! However, knowing how bad the Pirates have been this year, I fear they will find a way to lose even this game that they aren’t playing!

I don’t think I will be eating healthy tonight. Probably at least a hot dog, if not more. In order to try and get a good parking space, I am going to be downtown early, therefore no eating just prior to leaving and saving some calories. Which just means I will be bad all evening, no matter how hard I try to be good.

This only leaves the door open for tomorrow being really good and having a good run. And eating well, right? Right!!!???

The dummy failed the crash test

So I have failed miserably. Shortly after I wrote what I wrote in my last entry, temptation came a knockin’, and as usual, I opened the door full open and invited it right inside.

Temptation came in the form of stuffed French toast that a co-worker made for breakfast (one of my co-workers was leaving the job to move to another part of the country, and I think we all were in the mood to drown our sorrows at losing her in food.) So I had one, cream cheese filled stuffed French toast. Then I decided to have another one when it was offered. By then, grief at losing such a good co-worker having taken over, I stuffed a third helping in between sniffs.

Well, this co-worker is from another country, and she brought in a huge bag full of chocolates from said foreign country. So I had to partake in some of the chocolates. It would have just been rude not to, and I don’t want to be rude.

Then, for lunch, the team brought in some things for said co-workers last day (again, so many on this team seem to take comfort in food in our time of pain.) I don’t normally work on Fridays, and I was out of the office when they decided to make the food, so I wasn’t informed of it until the morning. I didn’t bring any food, but I was allowed to participate in the consumption of the food. Pulled beef BBQ sandwiches, Cole slaw & potato salad. And then I had a second helping. Then I figured I’d gone so far into overeating mode that I might as well make it worthwhile, so I got a bag of salt & vinegar potato chips and downed them.

I then had a pretty bad weekend in terms of food and exercise. Exercise as I didn’t do any over the weekend. I did play softball on Sunday, and did a lot of walking at some MLB All Star events, but not a real good, sustained for 30 minutes work out like I like to get done. And I ate really awful on Saturday. Like, super duper bad, like 7 pieces of pizza & a plate full of greasy French fries bad. Fuck!

I don’t know why I don’t seem to have that killer instinct when it comes to my weight and healthier eating recently. I technically even last the whole 6 weeks I had promised myself at the beginning of the 1600 calorie diet.

Before Amsterdam, I was down to 218 lbs. Last week I was up to 226 lbs, and I know from experience that I have gained at least a few pounds from the past 3 days.

I need to learn how to recommit myself to this. I am going to sound like a broken record by continually typing that sentence, but I have to believe it at some point in time. That is the reason I do this blog, to keep myself focused, and I have lost focus. So I am going to keep typing it until I fucking believe it!

The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

Last night I was in pain while running. I don’t know why, but I got a bad cramp on my side and it just kept getting worse. But I ended up doing the full 30 minutes, only getting to 2.5 miles though. I have noticed every once in a while I get these cramps in my side when I run, so I hope that I can get past these. I plan on running most every day from now until I leave for Edmonton on August 8.

My eating since I’ve come back so far has been good. I am not keeping a written diary of all the foods I eat this week, but I have kept mental note and have been able to stay under 1600 calories each day. So far. Now comes the tough part, the weekend. I work tonight & tomorrow night, and then have All Star festivities starting Sunday. To stay on the diet is going to be difficult, but I must be up to it.

So while I was in Rome I realized something. It has taken me 8 years, but I think I want to be with someone. I know that sounds silly, and I think the only reason I even wrote that is that I am certain that no one else is really reading this anyway.

I spent my 20’s in 3 relationships, basically one after the other. Sean, my first real boyfriend, was great, but was years younger than me. So as I was getting into my early 20’s and wanted to find out what it would be like to settle down with someone, Sean wanted to keep sowing his oats and find out how many men he could convince to put their penis inside him. We still talk from time to time nowadays, but when I was just past my 23 birthday, we broke up.

Then came Joe. Joe was 5 years older than me, and he was great. He was smarter than me, cuter than me, more domestic than me and my family loved him. We spent almost 5 years together, but it wasn’t to be. We weren’t that compatible, either sexually or domestically. His idea of living together was sometimes skipping paying bills on time, and this meant sometimes rent, and my idea was to pay your bills. Also, he cheated on me, and I tried dealing with that afterwards but had trouble with it.

And finally Toby, and I think I’ve gone on and on about Toby so you know that we aren’t compatible in any way outside of the bedroom. And he is now living, thankfully, in Chicago, and wants to stay there. And he was a total leach when we dated and lived together.

So after I booted Toby from being a boyfriend, I really wanted to float through life hooking up every once in a while but not being tied down to anyone. I wanted to be free, single and on my own. I wanted to be responsible for only me.

I remember at one point when I was with Joe thinking how I was so tired of being responsible for him, making sure that his bills were paid. He had a car that broke down, but he was still paying on the loan. He didn’t have a Driver’s License at the time, so no hurry to get the car fixed. Well, he put it in self storage, and there were at least 3 times where he went 90 days in arrears paying the rent on self storage. One time the company actually sent a letter advising that the contents were sold so don’t bother contacting them. I had to rush down to the storage place and put all my money into getting rent current.

With Toby, he lived at my place for 6 months before getting a job or money of any kind, and then he was actually upset when I asked him to pay bills. So finally, I kicked him out.

I spent the first few years dating a few guys here and there, but it was mostly sex. I wanted to travel the world and I wanted to do it alone.

(To be clear, the world traveling has nothing to do with sex. I’ve never had sex on a different continent than North America. I am not a sex tourist, and I have no desire to be one. Sex is fun, but it isn’t necessary for me to fly 5,000 miles to get laid, even to hear my name screamed in a different language.)

As I was walking in Rome, I saw three different gay couples, one lesbian and two male couples. And it made me think how fun it would be to travel with someone else, but not just a friend. Don’t get me wrong, love traveling with a friend, but I kept thinking how it would be great to share some things with someone else.

The problem is that I’ve spent so much time on my own, I don’t think I know how to even start looking for someone to date anymore.

It's not that easy 'cause my time is often decided for me

Ran well last night. 30 minutes, 2.6 miles. Much better than I thought I was going to do considering that I hadn’t run in like almost 2 weeks. Well, once in Rome, but it wasn’t a real run, just a 30 minute run/jog/walk cause it was too hot outside to run there.

So it was good for me to run yesterday. I was originally going to run on Tuesday, but jet lag decided I should fall asleep at 5 pm and not wake up again until 5 am Wednesday morning. So instead, I restarted it all yesterday.

Also, I’m working until 3:30 this week, and I usually work until 5:15. The holiday makes me work 8 hour days. Well, the difference is in the traffic. When I work until 3:30, I am home usually at 3:50, at least before 4 pm. When I work until 5:15, I usually don’t get home until around 6:05.

I am being tempted today. There is one thing I enjoy more than anything else, and that is saving money in any way, shape or form. This doesn’t mean that I am cheap. I am frugal. I don’t have a problem spending money, I just don’t like to spend more than I have to on anything.

Well, today, work is taking us to lunch as a farewell lunch to one of our workers. I don’t think the restaurant we are going to has a low calorie menu, so I won’t know how to count my calories. So at first I was thinking that I would just eat my regular lunch that I brought and not worry about the lunch. Then it hit me that this lunch is free. And I like the idea of a free lunch. And I then could keep the lunch I brought in for today until tomorrow. One less thing for me to do for tomorrow. And did I mention I wouldn’t be paying for today’s lunch?

I hope this boring, fake-italian chain restaurant has a low calorie menu where they tell you an close estimate on the amount of calories (TGIFridays & Applebee’s has good low calorie menus.)

I understand I'm on the road where all that was is gone, so where to now St. Peter. Show me which road I'm on.

I’m back from Rome. And no further major trips planned in the future. At least none where I won’t be exercising much. When I go to Edmonton for the Folk Music Festival every year, I would ride a bicycle to and from everywhere, so I get plenty of exercise at that time. It was the only time I used to get exercise every year. So when I go there next month, I will be in better shape.

Rome was fantastic, but I am done with all the eating. Oddly enough, I only gained 5 pounds in Rome, so I am back up to 226 lbs. Ironically, this is the weight I had in the back of my head that I’d be happy with if I got to it when I started this crazy running/eating properly thing.

I ate like a pig in Rome. Most of the dinners were already included in the price of the trip, so I felt I needed to take advantage of that to save myself some cash. Well, know now that we had all breakfasts buffet at the hotel, and it was a great buffet, then the lunches and dinners were almost all 5 courses at the least. And I ate all of it.

I did run on Friday in Rome along the Tiber River. Let me tell you, the Tiber River is a disgustingly dirty river, and not recommended to run near, or live near, and, if it weren’t for the great ruins and building next to it, even walking near. But I did sweat a ton while running, and I felt better afterwards, as I hadn’t run in over a week.

I need to recommit myself to this diet and exercise. I haven’t done badly recently considering how much travel I’ve done, but I think I can be in better shape. And I want to be ready for one specific hill in Edmonton. I want to be able to bike up the entire hill and not stop at the bottom and walk my bike up the entire thing.

I hope to write more later about the trip and things in general as I have been lax on this site, but I have so much to do at home and work I don’t want to spend my time in front of the computer when I don’t have to be there.