Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I will kick and scream or kneel and plead; I'll fight like hell to hide that I've given up

Well…it wasn’t a terrible weekend, except where I seemed to have tweaked my right calf muscle, and I have found out that walking on a treadmill is horribly boring. And now I am in the middle of any other week of torment about what I should eat, when I should push my exercise, how I should be doing better.

Also, my neck muscles have been feeling weak for the past few days. It’s like my head is the weight of a bowling ball, and it is sometimes difficult to keep it up. I also had headaches off and on Saturday & Sunday. It made for “not a terrible” weekend, but it wasn’t a great weekend. 4-day weekends should be great, damnit!

I am doing more of the neck exercises more often. It isn’t like I wasn’t doing them since PT ended, but I am doing them a few times a day now, as much as four times each day. They aren’t difficult to do, but I do get dizzy right after I am done with them.

It all becomes exhausting. And on Sunday, I will be 38 years old. This is making me think about the future more and more. I need to get healthy, and then look towards maintaining that health. I know I’ve done a lot in the past year to combat my prior poor health habits.

On that front, I’ve started reading “You: On A Diet: The Owner's Manual for Waist Management.” This is teaching me a lot about how the body works, and what the best ways to lose weight and maintain after I work it correctly.

Again, not much of an entry here, but I don’t want to recycle the “failed again” entries from the past. And the title of this entry is meant to be a reflection of my frustration, not an accurate statement of what will happen. And it is the last line from the Bright Eyes song “Another Travelin’ Song.” Conor Oberst is my future husband, whether he is gay or not. I love his music and love his looks. And he loves me…he just doesn’t know it yet.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup. There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost

It what should have been my best softball game ever turned into probably the worst night of playing I’ve ever been involved.

In the first inning of the first game, I hit a 2-run home run over the fence. In full disclosure, it is a short porch in right field, about 280 feet, but no one else hit one over that fence for the rest of the evening, and that includes Eric, our big left hander who usually can hit them pretty hard.

However, once I took my position in right center, I stunk up the place. Misplayed balls into doubles, triples & home runs, overthrew the cut-off and let runners advance, lost 2 balls in the lights that should have been caught, and once, when the ball hit the ground and went the wrong way, I caught it with my throwing hand, immediately thought I’d broken my thumb, dropped the ball and swore like a sailor. Unfortunately, that allowed one runner to score and the 2 other runners to advance a base, where they scored easily on the next batter that I misplayed into a double.

Sadly, what most of the problem, as far as I can see it, was that I usually am a bit more aggressive when playing the outfield. I play up or over when I know someone has a tendency to hit there. Last year, if someone hit somewhere else they usually didn’t, my speed was able to make up for any bad positioning. Last night, I learned that I don’t have the speed currently to make up for my over-aggressive defense.

They moved me over to left center field, and just to be completely embarrassed, the left fielder & I ran into each other, with the ball going over each of our gloves, having played another ball for a home run.

Well, my hitting is better. I am getting more level of a swing (after the home run, of course.) But going 7 for 10 means nothing when you lose by 15 runs in the first game and 9 runs in the second game.

Oh, and the worst part of the evening is that the new left fielder of the other team is a hottie, and then I found out he is straight. Fuck that, I want only homos playing in my league. Especially if they are hot!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Do I dissapoint you in just being human?

I have not been in the mood to update as I have been tired of saying “Well, I failed yesterday” again and again. It seems to be the cycle I’ve been in the past few months. The worst part for me is that I don’t know why it is so hard to keep up on the low calorie diet. The whole thing is confusing to me.

I looked in the mirror this weekend and realized that my belly has come back. It looks like I’m 5 months pregnant. I don’t remember getting this fat, but I know it has been coming along, and then BOOM! there it was on Saturday, big as it was.

I know it isn’t what it used to be prior to my weight loss last year, but it bothers me that it has come back to this. It just seems like I worked hard, lost it, and then it came back with a vengeance after a short period of time of being bad.

See, this is why I haven’t felt like updating. I am just being a whiny bitch about the whole thing. But, as I keep telling myself, this site is to help me keep track of my progress, to continue being better, and to be able to read back and see what has worked and what hasn’t worked. So here it is:

I’ve eaten alright this week so far after a complete disaster weekend, calorie-wise. I have estimated a calorie count on Saturday of about 4,000. Yes, you read that correctly. Between the cookies, muffins of the morning (Carl & Darren came up, and, along with my mother, we all went to a block sale in the area with other 100 homes participating.) the hot dogs & chilli-cheese fries at Dee’s 6-pak & Dog, and all the food at the Pirates game (including a Primanti Bros sandwich.) Sunday was easily 3,400 calories.

I am running, though, so that is good. I got up to 1.9 miles on Monday in 21 minutes. For no good reason at all, I didn't feel like running yesterday. I worked late, went shopping, started doing laundry, and then it was 7:30-ish and I was too annoyed to run. Tonight is softball, so I probably won't be doing a formal run, maybe a quick warm up for 7-10 minutes before I have to leave for the games.

OK, that is an update from me. Here's hoping I keep it all up...

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

You can obfuscate and manipulate but it’s only at your own expense

Well, I am running still. For some reason, I am having some breathing problems while running. After about 9-10 minutes, I’m starting to feel some burning in my lungs. Not the burning from running, something…weird. It isn’t exactly stopping me from running, and I’m only hoping that it is my lungs being somewhat out of shape from not running for 7 weeks from the accident.

Whatever it is, I am running 20 minutes now, 1.5 miles at a time. I need to get used to this before I start ramping it up faster and longer. I am glad I am running again, obviously, but I need to be more consistent and get back into the swing of it.

But what I really need to buy into is the food part of it all. I know, I know…I keep bitching and moaning and belly aching about this, but for whatever reason, I can seem to get back into eating healthier and less calories. I do good for one day, or even half a day, and then I just eat whatever I can get my hands on.

Last year I was under the scare of my physician putting me on medicine for high cholesterol, but for some reason that isn’t scaring me that much.

I had a college acquaintance send me an e-mail response, after I wrote him recently about the accident, asking if I had reevaluated my life following my brush with death. And do you know what my response to him was? That I reevaluated my food intake, and how I wished I had eaten different foods.

Yeah, that seems like a great response. Not how I wanted to spend more time with family, or how I wanted to find a partner to spend my life with, and not even how I wished I had traveled even more than I do. No, all I could think to say was that I wish I’d shoved some fucking pepperoni pizza down my gullet!

Fuck me.

Monday, May 14, 2007

As I'm sitting here doing nothing but aging, still my guitar gently weeps

These are my cats as kittens in September 2005. Bert is at the top of the picture, and Jeb beneath her.



And this is them as of yesterday, Bert in the foreground, Jeb behind her. They are both girls with boys names.














I don't want to talk much about my weekend, or at least my Sunday, which was filled with doughnuts and hot dogs and hamburgers (all you can eat after the softball games.) And poorly played softball. We lost both games and I stunk up the place. So, I just wanted to show pictures of my cats. Bert & Jeb love me...as long as I keep feeding them!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

You can't see me suddenly, I got pictures on my mind, I got pictures on my mind

I feel great right now. Wow, what a difference a week can make. (For full disclosure, I did just get off the treadmill about 4 minutes ago, so I might still be still high on endorphins.) Last week, I felt fatter than I have in a long time (the photo to the left is me from November of 2003 on a rooftop in Berlin; about 260 lbs.) Just from running, I feel a good bit better.

And it wasn't that difficult to get back into a routine. I know I am only at 20 minutes per day, not my 30 minutes, but I have been able to do it each day without that feeling that of dread I was having in January. I'm not saying it was good for me to stop running when I did, but I think I needed some of the past few months (the weight gain part, not the car accident part) to remind me why I run on the treadmill. Not only is it the weight loss, it is the feeling better about myself getting healthier. That is all it should be about now.

Most annoyingly, I’ve been eating horribly this week. I start out fine, and then it goes downhill, and as of last night, I was just shoveling food into my mouth. (the photo to the right is me jokingly drinking a jug of beer at the Edmonton Folk Music Festival in 2001 – I didn’t drink out of the jug; about 270 lbs.) I am hoping that at some point in time, while I am finally running, it will start to click that I need to eat better. If not, then it is like I am running for no reason if I don’t start losing weight.

I know it is going to be a long road back to what I was last summer. Here is a picture of me in Amsterdam one year ago:

I was 218 lbs when I left for Amsterdam last May 25. I need to remember that it is possible for me to get healthier and lose weight. The past few months it has seemed like a big uphill battle to get back to what I was one year ago, but it is one step at a time; a more focused step on the treadmill, and a more responsible step towards the refrigerator.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Babylon back in business, can I get a witness?

I ran for 20 minutes yesterday and remembered what I like about running. I only got up to 6 mph for the last 10 minutes, but it felt so good to be running, to be sweating, to be doing something for my health. If my sense of self satisfaction during running yesterday could have been harnessed and turned into energy, I could have powered all the appliances in my house!

My eating, on the other hand, is another matter. Not terrible, but it just seems like I’m hungry more often than not, and, as an American, we all know that I shouldn’t ever feel like I want for anything, including more calories, even when they aren’t needed. And do I get more veggies or fruits down my throat when I’m hungry? No, of course not. I need tortilla chips (Baked Tostitos, so at least lower in calorie and fat) with some (calorie free) ranch dressing and salsa poured over top…and then topped with son con queso sauce. Why did I need to add the cheese sauce? Cause that is what my weak, weak brain thought my fat, fat body needed.

Now I need to work a little harder on the food thing, but I’m not going to freak out at all. I am going to focus my energy on running for this week and at least not over-eating too much. And it isn’t so much a need for food, but just a weakness when it comes to food. I think last year, when I was so much more overweight, it was easier to focus. Now, when I’m only a little overweight, the focus is more on how much I’ve already lost and not in what I need to continue lose.

I know this sounds like so much bitching about little things, but that is what this blog is about for me, how to lose weight. The hard way. Cause liposuction would be so much easier at this point, I swear!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Take me back, take me home, to the world that never to the world that never, to the world that never was

Here is a picture of me from the island in February. Believe me when I say I have gained some weight from this picture, only two months ago, and today.

On a good note, I did start back running yesterday. I ran/jogged for one mile in 15 minutes last night. Not too bad, to be honest, and I probably could have gone longer, but I didn't want to push it yet. Letting myself get back into running slowly so as not to hurt myself.

Interesting part is that I had just started watching the movie Kiss Kiss Bang Bang on March 15, 2007 (the last time I ran on my treadmill, the day before...), and my dvd player had kept the place where I left off.

I ate good yesterday. Not great, but good enough. I estimate about 2,000 calories, which is better than the 3,000 + calories I've been averaging recently. Not as good as my 1,600 calorie goal, but not bad at all.

I forgot, for full disclosure, that yesterday I weighed in at 234 lbs. But it is flabby weight. When I was 218 lbs, last year, it was a leaner 218 lbs. So not only do I need to lose 17 more lbs, I need to tone up what I have left. And that is where the BowFlex will come in handy.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Eager for action and hot for the game

The weekend went well enough for me. I worked long hours at the movie theater Friday & Saturday with the crowds of Spiderman 3. The crowds weren’t as big as I’d like to see, but they were big enough.

I had a slight run-in with the co-worker who used the word “faggot” a few weeks back. Turns out she’s a former crackhead, and is moving to Kansas in two weeks to get away from her crackhead roommates (crackhead – hyphenated, two words or one word? I am using it all as one word.) When I finally had to come out and tell her I was gay, she said “No you’re not.” And later, after she finally kind of believed I was gay, she asked why I would do that? I had to explain to her that being a homosexual, unlike, say, smoking crack, isn’t a choice. I was born this way, unlike people who do drugs who choose to do drugs. It was an enlightening weekend for my dear crackhead co-worker.

Sunday I had my first softball game, so I woke up a little early to prepare breakfast (plain, fat free yogurt and mixed berries) and then got on the treadmill for 10 minutes. I only ran about 1 mile, but it was good to get back on the treadmill, not the least to prove that it still worked right. I was out of breath quickly, but I did alright. If I was a contestant on American Idol, Randy would have said that I “was a little pitchy” at the beginning, but then I “did my own thing” and “worked it out” by the end. Paula would have told me that my new silver Reebok running shoes were a bold but fantastic choice to go with the classic black running shorts. Simon would have told me that, as he is only keeping it real, it was absolutely horrible, and he’s seen people in karaoke bars run faster, longer and harder than I just did, and that this is a running competition, not a slow jogging or fast walking or heavy breathing/coughing competition. And then Ryan would come in and ask America to vote for me, and I would hold up a number “1” to let those Americans who can’t read numbers that I was the first contestant. I so think I could win something like that.

At softball, I did quite well, if I say so myself. My first at bat I hit a dinky little single to the left side, I assume it went by the shortstop as I barely hit it off the handle of my bat with the inside pitch. I hit into a fielder’s choice in the third inning but did score. It was in the fourth inning that I hit a monster shot that went over the head of the right center fielder. I ran as fast as my fat legs would take me, and the third base coach told me to hold up at third, but I’d already decided I was going home. With about 10 feet to go I saw the ball coming from my left side and I resigned to be out, but the catcher couldn’t handle the ball and I was called safe. In the sixth inning I hit a high blast, and though it was very high up, it was about 15 feet past the shortstop, but since my last "home run" blast, the outfielders were playing deep and the shortstop was backpedaling too much and it fell in for a single.

In the field I did well, no errors and caught everything I was supposed to catch, stopped the groundballs I was supposed to stop. We were winning 12-4 going into the 5th, but then we walked a few, gave up a few hits and generally started stinking. After giving up 5 runs, I threw out a runner at second base when he was lollygagging from first on a groundball. I played up a bit and the ball was hit just behind second base. We ended the 5th still leading 12-11, and we made it stick till the end, winning by that score.

Overall, a good ending to a good weekend. I spent the rest of Sunday sorting through my pictures from Thailand, trying to figure out which 300 to print for the photo album. I know that sounds like a lot, but I want enough pictures to represent the trip, but not to overwhelm with little things. 100 pictures per week we were there seems like a fair number. I guess I will see when I finally get them in the photo album and start showing them off.

Other than that, tonight I get back on the treadmill for at least 30 minutes, though I am guessing a lot of that time will be spent walking briskly instead of out and out running. But I will do that 5 times this week, while trying to eat better and better, and I will be back on track.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Coffee and cigarettes, let’s talk shop. We don’t need emotional traffic cops.

This is how I am feeling today. If you check out the little guys being eaten by the monster who is being attacked by the multi-armed monster, you might actually see me in the crowd of the soon-to-be-eaten.

Or I am the actual monster who is doing the eating. I can see that analogy. The monster eats and eats, even when there is a multi-armed attacker just above it, ready to stab it. The monster just keep eating and eating and eating.

By the way, this is a picture I took at the Grand Palace in Bangkok. It is a very small part of the mural on one of the buildings in the complex. It tells of the mythical history of the Kingdom of Siam.

I finished physical therapy yesterday. It went out with a whimper, to be honest. Just some electro-stimulation of the cervical area, some heat, some stretching and exercises and then I was done. I haven't needed the traction for over a week now, and, as nice as the massages felt, it wasn't needed as well.

I now know what I am supposed to do to get better and better. I haven't had any real painful headaches for about a week now, but I am still doing the neck exercises every day and I immobilize my neck every night for sleep. I am going to try not to sleep without the brace on, but I wanted to wait until I am not working the next day, so that would be tomorrow.

I have a softball game on Sunday, first of the season. I am hoping to play well, but no guarantees. I am going to run a little on Sunday morning to get warmed up, as I felt very tight last week when we practiced, and I don't want to go and hurt a calf muscle by not being warmed up.

Starting Monday, I am allowed to run again, so I will start slow and easy. I don't know how far I am going to run, or how fast, but I am going to take it slow and work up to what I was prior to "the unfortunate incident of March 16," as I now refer to it.

I feel like my life has been so stale recently, just not doing anything that interesting. I have been trying to let myself know that life is about the journey, not about the destination, but with no running, feeling like shit, not trips planned in the near future and my overall lack of enthusiasm for things recently, it hasn't been working.

This is a garden in the Grand Palace in Bangkok. It was the most peaceful place there, and I was shocked not more people were there visiting it. Tom & I had a good 15 minutes there by ourselves, just reflecting on our journey to that point (it was only our first full day, having alighted the plane at about 11:30 pm the night before.)

I wish I was there right now. I wish I was in the same frame of mind now that I was then. Just relaxed. We shall see how it all goes starting Sunday.