Everyone’s looking for relief, the United States versus disbelief

Neck pain, and I am angry. I was hoping the neck pain would go away, but it hasn’t. I sleep one way and it caused pain the next day, I sleep another and no pain. It makes no sense, and I am tired of taking the 800 mg Motrin because it makes my liver work harder, and if my liver is to work harder, I want it to be because of a good Riesling, or a good IPA, not some lame OTC anti-inflammatory!

And now I’m fighting with my physician’s office about getting records from the hospital. I know if it was up to my physician, he would go after the records himself, but his office staff are taking the tough approach, where I have to do everything to get them the records.

See, the hospital has told me that if my primary physician called them, they would fax the records directly there. But my primary physician’s office has told me to have the hospital fax them the records. No one will budge. So I need to get an authorization from the hospital, sign it with the physician’s address and fax number and send it back to the hospital so they can send it to the physician. And who knows how long this turnaround could take.

All the while, my neck is causing me to have a headache, and get angrier. And really, shouldn’t this be a time that I should be taking it easy and have no frustrations?

Instead, I am going to put in a picture of my kittens, Bert & Jeb, from almost 2 years ago when they were tiny little furballs. Now they are larger, but still cute as all get up. And they still run around the house jumping on each other, wrestling and just plain having fun. Cause they have no neck pain!

Damn, the anger crept in even when I was trying hard not to let it through.

I'm losing my mind, yeah I got bit all the time, and I'm better off dead, cause it was all in my head

Here are some of the thoughts from this weekend as I convalesced.

I seem to have now entered into the “anger” phase of my recovery. I want to meet whoever is responsible for the accident and mete out my own type of street justice! With extreme prejudice! (I’ve been watching too much “The Sopranos” this weekend getting ready for the new season in two weeks). I don’t know what that would entail, but sitting on him isn’t out of the question. It almost, ALMOST, makes me wish I was still 272 lbs and could inflict some real damage to him by actually sitting on him.

I took numerous pictures of my head wound to show it to all of you. I had to take these pictures myself, with both the digital camera and my cell phone camera. After about 30 different tries, I finally got one that showed the wound…and realized I was too grossed out by it to actually post it. I don’t think anyone else wants to see this. I won’t be pulling my hat off at work to show off my staples and wound.

I was going to take pictures of me to put online, but now that I’ve rapidly gained a lot of weight, I don’t believe it is a good idea. This morning I was up to 235 lbs. I think my mentality of “I’m-so-happy-to-be-alive-I’ll-eat-everything” has got to end.

There are people I know who are stuck on the expiration date of food products. If the “sell-by” date has even passed by one day, there is a woman at work who will pitch the entire carton of milk, whether it smells bad or not. Just pitch it without regard to how bad it may or may not be. That is me with doctor’s advice. At least after an actual incident (I did keep smoking for a few years after my physician told me to stop: it did take me years to take his advice on weight loss). So the doctors at the hospital told me sedentary work only with no heavy lifting or straining for 2 weeks. I asked one of them about my running, and they said no running. They didn’t want my heart rate to get high, and they didn’t want me accidentally passing out, falling down and endangering my staples & the head wound.

I have taken their words to heart and haven’t run at all since coming home from the hospital, or even gotten too near the treadmill. But I think walking on it should be fine, really. Low impact walking will at least get things moving through my leg muscles and it will get me ready for next week when I start running again. Tonight, I will be walking, even if it is slowly, on the treadmill for 30 minutes.

Maybe it will help me through some of the anger.

Bang your head! Metal Health'll drive you mad!

I have been having a strange week. I mean, I know that anytime you have a near death experience (and, for me, last Friday would be considered a near death experience) things change, but this is just...strange.

I am walking around almost in fear that my current life is like the Ambrose Bierce short story An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge. I feel sometimes like this isn't happening, it is just my unconscious mind covering up the last moments of my life before I smash into the windshield. I mean, I didn't feel any specific pains or true injuries associated with being flung into the front of a vehicle in a high speed accident. I don't remember anything about the accident.

Also, as much as my friends are alive and that makes me happy, they are both in pain, and that gives me this weird survivors guilt. I mean, why don't I have these problems? Shouldn't I have more pains and problems? Except for some minor aches and the four staples (and yes, they are actual steel staples) in my head, I am now almost recovered. Why are my friends still off work and in pain? I have to work through this, don't I?

And, of course, this is giving me little motivation to eat right and exercise. Actually, the doctor who gave me my discharge instructions noted he didn't want me running or doing any type of heavy exercise, but I could easily be walking on the treadmill instead of sitting like a blob in front of the television. I could be careful about what I am eating, instead I'm devouring anything in my feeling that "I almost died Friday, why deprive myself?" mode.

And now, instead of being thrilled to have lived, I've turned this into some pity party for myself. I am feeling quite pathetic at the moment, to be honest.

I don't know if this is normal after a horrific car accident, but it is scary. So my life is just so fucking sunshine and lollipops these days. And I have it easy, to be honest.

Oh, and I know I could have quoted so many other song lyrics for the title of this entry, like John Lennon's Nobody Told Me ("Nobody told me there'd be days like these...strange days indeed") or Beautiful Boy ("Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"). Hell, I could have even used Frank Sinatra's My Way ("The record shows I took the blows - and did it my way.") Instead, I banged my head on a the car, and I have 4 metal staples in my head, so I've been singing Quiet Riot's Bang Your Head all week long. I wonder if that is part of this Survivor's Guilt thing. Dr. Melfi, where are you in my hour of need???

Bart: "Dad, are you hurt?" Homer: "Just... my bones... and organs." from The Simpsons "Homerphobia" episode

(There are graphic pictures on this entry. Please take that in mind when viewing.)

For the first time in my life, and with no hyperbole at all, I can now say “I am lucky, and feel fortunate, to be alive today.”

On Friday, Carl and his boyfriend were up from DC and we went to dinner with a few other friends. Between 9:30 & 10 pm, after dinner, we were driving home, and about half a mile from my home, when another car came barreling at us after it jumped the about 15 feet wide median strip (yes, it is actually about 15 feet wide) and slammed into us head-on. Carl suffered broken bones in his arms, & his boyfriend suffered contusions and some facial cuts. They were in the front seat and belted in.


I was in the back seat and not in a safety belt. I flew around the car like a rag doll and slammed into the rearview mirror, but the airbags stopped me from hitting the windshield directly with any force. I suffered lacerations of the scalp, sore muscles but no concussion.

I know the details of the accident only because I’ve been told them. I remember we were stopped at the red light and started moving forward when it turned green, and that is it until the paramedics were there and I was asking why I was bleeding. I don’t remember the accident at all. I remember holding my head and asking over and over why I was bleeding.

We all went to the hospital where Carl and I spent the night. Carl has a brace for his broken left elbow and a splint on his broken right thumb. His boyfriend has pain killers for his leg pains from contusion. I got 4 staples in my head. Yes, they are actual metal staples that they put them in with a device that looks like your garden variety Swingline staple gun.
After we were released yesterday, we went to clear out the car; that is when I realized the damage. I don’t know how we survived. Or, more accurately, I am glad Carl has a BMW and it is a little tank, because, as the pictures show, it is fucked up completely. This guy hit us head on going very fast.

I don’t talk about my work on this blog, but I deal with motor vehicle accidents on a regular basis and have taken classes in forensics and accident reconstruction, and I’ve seen less impact accidents cause death. Especially for the unbelted back seat occupant (full disclosure here: I have been taught that, other than a head on collision, the seatbelt for the rear occupant usually isn’t as safe if there is a lack of curtain airbags, as you are stuck in the seat if another car hits rear passenger doors – massive head & trunk traumas occur more with seatbelted rear occupants, but less flying around the car). Had I been belted in, I probably would have only suffered sore muscles and maybe some back problems (the BMW has a secure trunk that doesn’t give at all to soften any impact, therefore the passenger's body absorbs the full impact ) but that is it. I also would probably remember the accident. Not sure I want that, to be honest.

To be honest, that is what freaks me out more, not remembering any part of the accident. Nothing. Zilch. I remember the feeling of shock as my head was bleeding, that is it. Carl said as we sat there “I’m calling Kelly” and I said “Who is Kelly?” She is my sister with whom I am very close and lives up the street from the accident. I don’t remember the speeding car coming right for us, and, to be honest, I think I am glad for that.

I don’t want to talk more about it here for some legal reasons. We are alive, all of us, and that is more important than anything in the world.

And I might be going out and buying a BMW in the future. That is if I can get out of the house and drive any car again.

And here is proof that Carl & I survived, in front of the smashed up BMW the day after the accident (the car that hit us is just to Carl's right - you can't see the impact.) I have my head bandaged, and Carl has both arms in braces. His boyfriend didn't want to come to the lot to see the wreckage.

We may look like a sad sight, but I don't believe you would have seen two happier people in the world on that day. Seeing my friends alive is worth more to me than hitting the lottery - and that ain't hyperbole!

Love you Carl, love you Darren! Your next trip to Pittsburgh will be much less action packed! I hope it is downright boring, to be honest!

Alive & kicking in Pittsburgh,

-Mike

It feels so good to be back where I belong, the streets is where I belong

One could almost forget how good it feels to run when one hasn’t done it in a month.

Last night I ran for 25 minutes, going 2.5 miles. I felt great afterwards, both physically and emotionally. I wanted to run the 3 miles in 30 minutes, but I got a cramp and realized that 2.5 miles would be fine. No need to push myself now to get hurt. I need to listen to the signs from my own body.

I ate well yesterday too, just under 1,600 calories. I had separate servings of banana, raisins, tropical fruit mix & apples. I made a large salad with green peppers, zucchini, lettuce, tomatoes, celery, onion & some shaved turkey. Breakfast was oatmeal (with the raisins.) All in all, a good day for my first day back on the diet/running regimen.

Work showed me the money yesterday as well, so that is going well. In 10 years working for the same company, I finally got what I’d refer to as a decent raise. I don’t normally talk about my real work here, only my weekend job at the movie theater. But let me say that I like my regular job.

This wasn’t always the case. I worked at an accounting firm shortly after college (I tried working in the movie business, but due to some union shit, after I worked on 2 movies as the low man on the totem pole, the movies in Pittsburgh dried up, and I was unwilling to move away from my hometown) and then an insurance company.

Back in 1996, I figured I could continue working at the same company and be a bigger sized fish in a medium sized pond (I could move anywhere in the company I was qualified for, and the company was headquartered in Pittsburgh), or move on to another company and be a small fish in a huge pond (where I would only do one thing, as it is a satellite office with headquarters in Philadelphia.) Problem is that the huge pond paid so much better, even though I went from being one of about 5,000 to being one of about 28,000.

Well, after a few years, I was bored and hateful of how the company was run, and became disgruntled. I admit I was a bad attitude employee, and have apologized to several co-workers for my behavior, or more accurately my miserable attitude, during this time frame. The only saving grace is that I did good work, just was a miserable fuck to everyone else (especially management.)

Four years ago I decided to change jobs within my company. Now the question is, if I hated the company and was a miserable fuck, why stay on? Again, decent pay and good vacation. And I get to work just a hair away from downtown Pittsburgh and I get free parking. And I like my co-workers, or most of them.

When I changed four years ago, I got exceptionally lucky. I fell in with a great product that regularly challenges me and is well managed. The work is very dynamic and my co-workers are great.

Now I get over 6 weeks vacation. And the company showed me the money yesterday, so all is good with me in the world. As long as I keep running and eating correctly.

Don't let another day go by my love, it'll be just like starting over

Starting today, I am back on the wagon. Or I’m off the wagon. Or I’m off the getting-fat-no-exercise-bad-eating-wagon and onto another wagon, the eating-healthy-while-running-wagon.

It has gotten really bad. Originally, I had planned on starting the diet part yesterday, but then I woke up and wanted to eat an enormous hoagie. And fries. And some salt & vinegar potato chips. And some Häagen-Dazs, some cherry fudge truffle light Häagen-Dazs. A whole pint in one sitting.

I realized early on that I was going to lose the battle yesterday, so I delayed starting the diet until today, when I thought the idea of going to work was enough structure for me to start eating properly. And so far (granted, only a few hours into it) all is going well. I am not hungry and have eaten properly today. I will go home and jump on the treadmill and run for 30 minutes.

And I better do this, as I now weight in regularly at 229 lbs. Fuck!

I will do this for the next 6 weeks. By April 22, 2007, I should be back into some type of presentable shape, just in time for softball season to begin in earnest. I also am going to be starting using the BowFlex sometime soon, I haven’t figured that out as of yet.

I know it all sounds like more of the same bullshit, but I need to start looking at something other than the same old. I know I like running, so I keep doing that, but I want to start doing some strength as I know muscle burns more fat, so if I have more muscle, it will burn fat faster than if I don’t build up some more.

And, in a related note, my big sister has bought herself a treadmill & BowFlex, and she is starting out walking now and wants to move on to running. Now she has never had the weight problem I had, but she feels now that she will be 40 this year she needs to take better care of herself (she has always been slim, but the past few years she feels she has put on an extra 7-10 lbs! Yes, 7 to freakin 10 pounds and she spent money on a treadmill! I know I should be happy that she is taking an interest in her health, but it isn’t like she needs to lose 70 lbs, which is about what I needed to lose when I started!)

Also, she & her husband didn’t ask me what the best treadmill to buy is, so I feel a bit left out. I mean, I’m not a complete expert, but I have a lot of experience with the treadmill, and I did research on my own (and listened to Carl, who listened to Gary, who had originally, in 2002, listened to me about getting the Reflex Deck, therefore, in reality, I listened to my own advice on getting my treadmill.) I am now dying to get over to my sister’s place and see what they spent their money on.

Listen children all is not lost, all is not lost

Alright, I wasn’t completely honest in my last update. This jetlag thing is kicking my ass. I know that experts note a one day per time zone recovery period, and I was 12 time zones away, but I can’t believe this is going to go on 5 more freaking days!

According to some of my reading, one of the reasons I could be experiencing such a case of jetlag this time around is because of all the caffeine I drank on the plane. Going to and coming back from Thailand, all the flights had was Diet Pepsi (well, really, Pepsi Light or Pepsi Max, what the rest of the world calls Diet Pepsi & Pepsi One) and no caffeine free diet soda, so I drank a lot of caffeinated diet soda. So every time the drink cart came around, I sucked down a Pepsi Light. And on the 12 ½ hour Tokyo to Washington DC flight that followed the 6 hour Bangkok to Tokyo flight, I had a lot of caffeine.

And a lot of food, to be honest. My nephew is the type of person who can refuse free food. Apparently, I am not. At one point, he was sleeping and I was watching “Casino Royale” for the fourth time when a breakfast was served. We were given the choice of an omelet or pasta. I woke Tom up and asked what he wanted, and he said he wasn’t hungry. When the flight attendant came around, I ordered pasta for him and omelet for me and spent the next hour picking at his food while he slept.

I did that several times during the flights, to be honest. And sometimes when Tom didn’t finish his meals whole we were in Thailand. Let’s just say that I did not starve while I was on vacation. I ate just about everything in site and chugged beer like it was going out of style. I didn’t gain as much weight as I probably could have had I not been in better shape before I left, but I’m not in such great shape today.

I ran last night, but after only a few minutes my lungs were working overtime and hurting. I actually had to slow down much sooner than I would have liked to due to the labored breathing. It seemed excessive in its laboring, so I stopped after about 1.75 miles. Argghhhh…

Out of frustration will be born the solution. I just need to keep thinking that on the road to health.

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies, this is the dawning of the rest of our lives

I have survived. That is the good part of it. It was a long journey back to Pittsburgh, but we made it and we are healthy, happy and, after 5 days for me, I think I'm rested.
Tom and I at a statue at the Grand Palace in Bangkok. We were snapping pictures left & right, and one guy asked if I wanted a picture with my son, so I said "sure." It was only afterwards I shuttered at the thought of me being a father.







And of course the requesite picture of us on the elephant. I think I only include it as I just keep thinking "Who else rides an elephant on vacation?" It isn't terribly comfortable, but oh well, when will I do that again (obviously every three years for me at least.)





Tom & I on a bamboo raft on the River Kwai at sunset. That was a cool ride down the river. People on the river are happy to give...

Since I've gotten home, I've slept most of the time and eaten anything in site. I did end up getting my cheeseburger, and it wasn't all that I'd hoped for, to be honest. We did end up getting Burger King at the Bangkok airport at about 4:30 am before we flew home, so maybe that satisfied my craving. Who knows.

After 6 days being home, I weighed myself, and I am at 224 lbs. Not too bad, better than I thought, but I think part of the weight is that some muscle has turned to fat from not running. I jumped back on the treadmill on Monday and did 21 minutes. I plan on doing just that the rest of the week, and then start eating healthy again on Sunday, running 3 miles on Monday.

More later when I have the time, energy and ability. My brain is still processing a lot of the trip and what it means in the long run. I couldn't be prouder of my nephew who handled everything that was thrown at him, even when he was tired, hungry, cranky and Mountain Dew deprived. I hope this is the beginning of his real life education right before he starts his real life work.

Good times for all.