Hello again. Hello

Third time is a charm, eh?

4 years ago today I started this, 15 months ago I abandoned it.

Today, I sit here at 282 lbs. 22 lbs more than when I started. 61 lbs more than in May 2006 when I left for a trip to Amsterdam.

I do little exercises right now. I do a lot of stretching and light weights for my back. Seems I have a problem at the T-4 vertebrae, putting extra pressure on the muscles around that area. And, due to my neglecting to do much of anything with my right shoulder for the past 18 months, I have muscle atrophy in the right shoulder. So I currently experience pain and fatigue. And a big fat belly.

Like a bowl full of jelly.

As I sit here, I want to say that I will eat less, I will run more, I will use the Bowflex more often, I will stretch regularly. And I want to be something other than what I am, physically. I've done it before, years ago. I hope I can do it again.

Fed up with your indigestion, swallow words one by one.

Ah, my monthly post, it seems. I don't want to only post once per month, but it seems I have very little of interest to say. I'm getting fatter and fatter.

As of this morning, I am 262.5 lbs. Oh, how I have fallen. But, for the first time since I started the diet, I have my house stocked with all the proper food needed to eat healthy and lose weight. Therefore, as of this morning's breakfast, I am back on the 1600 calorie diet. Here's hoping it lasts longer than the last time I started it.

The last entry in my food diary is Januuary of this year. I tried for like 3 days to follow my food. But this time...

this time...

this time...

It will all be different. I feel sometimes like a junkie, needing my next fix of calories. And I keep saying I'll come off it, I won't eat more, and then every time I eat more and more. So here I am saying that I will be good. Give myself six weeks of this at the least. Eat well and exercise.

Speaking of exercising, the running has been coming along nicely, surprisingly. I've been running 2.25 miles every day. It isn't great, but it is steady. I haven't been able to do it every day, but I get at least 4 runs in per week. Starting this week, I will be running 5 times per week. And let's see where this takes me, eh?

262.5 lbs. Fuck, how did I get here? Well, I am getting myself out of this mess!

Just a puppet on a lonely string: oh who would ever want to be king?

It has been an interesting week or two. I was doing alright for a few days, and then something happened and it seems the two vertebrae went back out of place. Yeah me. So I need to get back to the physical therapist to get it back in place.

I've been eating better. Well, let's say that I've been eating healthier, more fruits and vegetables. I've still been eating too much more often, but I am hoping that I will get that under control soon enough.

The problem is I still can't run on the treadmill. I haven't tried to run recently, but I can barely walk at times. It isn't that I am hunched over in pain constantly, but I have to keep stretching when I walk around a mall and such. You can't be running on a treadmill and trying to stretch at the same time.

I fell like a yo-yo sometimes. Some days it is good, some days it is bad. And I get tired about the pain and about the inability to do much about it. I wish there was a pill I could take to get rid of the pain. I don't think I've ever had pain like this that won't go away. And I don't think I would have ever understood people who've had this constant pain before. It effects everything you do, all day long.

So what happens when this never, ever goes away? How do I get back into shape if my body is in constant pain? How do you have a productive life when you can do so little so often?

Several of my co-workers did a 5K run this weekend. I really, really wish I could have done it with them, even if I had to walk half of it. I don't really like running outdoors, but I believe I
could do it for 5 kilometers. That's 3.1 miles. I have done that before, I know it. Maybe not out in the wild (or whatever the course would be) but I know I can do it.

And that is my new goal. I want to complete a 5k run outdoors.

Oh yeah, I am 254.5 lbs. Fuck me.

I don't want to take advice from fools, I'll just figure everything is cool

Hey there. Been a while. As this blog is supposed to be about eating right and exercising, and since I haven't done much of that recently, no reason to update.

Sad but true.

I have been working at physical therapy for the past 2 months again. My upper back was so bad sitting at work was just about all I could do each day.

Sadly, I then deconditioned myself so bad that once I started to feel better, slightly, I was too weak to keep up regular daily of living activities.

The PT seems to have actually found out what is wrong with me. 7 vertebrae were out of alignment. It took her one adjustment to get 5 of them in place. Why couldn't my last physical therapist figure this out so quickly.

Now two of the vertebrae are fighting me, but they are (currently) in place, and have been for the past 2 weeks, so I am hoping this has worked out.

Now that it is in place, I have to start working on muscle growth. From under use and a natural muscle placement from my sedentary job, my back muscles are weak, and we all need strong back muscles to stay healthy, especially those of us with desk jobs.

Running has been on hold for about a month as the PT thought it was too jarring when we were doing the delicate work on getting the last two vertebrae back in place. There is a chance that they weren't staying in place after every adjustment due to my going home and running 2-2.5 miles 5 times a week.

So here I sit, fatter than I've been for a long time - about 255 lbs. I saw "about" as I've not had the guts to get on a scale in a while. But I am hoping that I don't have anything but the regular weakness in the back, and no sharp or burning pains, for the next few weeks so that I many finally jump back on to the treadmill.

And then I have to start eating well again. Yeah, healthy eating has taken a back seat as well to just shoveling food again.

It seems like an uphill battle, but once tha back is better, I can do it.

And fuck Mr. Murphy. And fuck my other physical therapist. And fuck my insurance company (I am now having to pay out of my own pocket for some of this health care. I know I'll get it back in the end, but it is annoying right now.)

Bitter, party of one.

I’m not gonna write you a love song ’cause you asked for it

I lose the track that loses me, so here I go

Well, it's been a few weeks, but I keep on keepin' on. Been running regularly, 5 times each week, missing a few times here and there, mostly due to doing other activities. I didn't run yesterday, but spent over 2 hours at softball practice, so I got plenty of work in.

I've been eating poorly, but what's new about that? I eat well for a few days and then binge. It is frustrating, to say the least. But what can I do but keep chugging forward.

Still having some back problems. A sharp pain under my right shoulder blade that radiates outwards, sometimes up to my shoulder, sometimes down to my lower back. I was at my physician's office Friday, and he isn't sure what else can be done. Not certain if it is a torn muscle or a pinched nerve. I think it is a muscle problem, but it's location is making it difficult to treat. It's not like I can just stop using my right arm and shoulder.

Next Monday April 21 I am going to an orthopedic specialist just to make sure there isn't anything else that needs to be done. The annoying part is that I have to drive to the hospital we went to following the accident to get the actual films from the MRI & CAT scans so that the orthopedist, who is affiliated with a competing hospital system, can look at them directly. The hospital won't send him the films. Anyway I go to the hospital, I have to pay for parking. That is frustrating.

And I get to go on Neurontin for the back pain on a chronic basis. Neurontin is a muscle relaxer and pain reliever. In reading up on it, it is also used to treat bipolar disorder. I wonder what that side effect will be. Maybe I will be happier about the pain, who knows? I do know that I have never wanted to be on any prescription on a daily basis, so this is angering me. For the next 90 days, I am going to regularly taking a possible mind altering drug.

I guess this whole post should be titled "Thank you Mr. Murphy, you fuck face: I hate you!" (The medication will help me with that anger, I guess.)

Let me feel the car crash 'cause I'm dying on the inside; just take me to the car crash 'til I'm open wide

It has been one year since the car accident. I would love to say it had no effect on me at all, but I know that this is a lie. I am a more cautious (some would say paranoid) driver. I've been in car accidents before, but usually just minor fender benders or, like when I was 15, the passenger in a car that hit a tree. But this is the first time that I saw the effects of another car jumping the median strip at a high rate of speed and hitting another car.
I say I saw the effects as I still have no memory of the accident itself. Waking up with blood pouring out of my head is my first memory. I think part of me still can't believe that we all survived the accident. It just looked so amazingly brutal to have any survivors.

I don't normally talk about my job here (actually, I've never talked about my regular job here) but it involves deaths from accidents, and many of them are from car accidents. I would be lying if I said that it hasn't effected some of my work to some degree. For the first few months, every time a car accident hit my desk, I'd think again and again about our accident. I have seen many less horrific looking vehicles after an accident that caused death. And here we all stood (even the fuck-ups from the other car), all alive with no catastrophic injuries.

I am not trying to minimize all of our injuries, because the three of us in the BMW had some major injuries, but it wasn't death. And death was an distinct possibility. I don't like thinking about it, but many times I can't help but think about it.
We have all had physical problems since then. I have gained over 20 pounds now (was up 30 pounds since the accident but have lost 7 pounds this year) and still have back and shoulder problems that sometimes make running difficult. It makes it tough to think I have to start the dieting and exercise from such a low point after working so hard to lost that weight.

But I am going to make a better go of it now. I can't believe my back and shoulder will hurt forever. It will get better, I will get a handle on it and be able to run at will and be able to lose the weight and get healthy.

I have to think that I am happy we all survived. I think I will be stronger for it. I think I understand a little bit of life that I didn't understand before. I know that sounds cheesy, maybe even a bit naive, but I am a little wiser for it.

The title of this post is from a song by Matt Nathanson. I don't believe the things the song says, but the line seemed to fit this entry. I didn't want to feel the car crash, but I did, and I am glad I survived.