Lisa: [to Gary] You had me at "dicks fuck assholes".

I was reading a blog the other day from a man who is still in the closet. I understand his situation, as it happens at times where we have to hide who we are due to the hate and misleading information people have on our being gay.

This entry told the story of how one hetero friend had sent out an e-mail to what he assumed was an all hetero audience, telling about he previous evenings adventure where he and another male friend accidentally went into a gay bar for an evening. I guess in smaller towns of England, outside of London, these bars don’t scream that they are gay, so this seems to be a possibility. I guess, now that I think about it, most of our gay bars in Pittsburgh aren’t exactly screaming with signs “HOMOS ONLY” on them, so you could wonder into one and not know immediately that it was a gay bar.

They realized they were in a gay establishment, and this hetero boy then puts in his e-mail that he and his friend HAD TO go to the bathroom together and also that they stayed sober to “…keep a lookout for any unwanted advances.” My response to that would have been “What the fuck do you think we queers want to do with you?”

First off, if it is unwanted advances he is worried about, what do these hetero men think that hetero women have to go through all the time? Do they think that all women want every sexual advance that is thrust upon them when they are out? But I guess, in breeder world, the hetero male to female advances are ok, even if unwanted.

Secondly, what was it that frightened he and his friend so much about in the bathroom that they had to go together, implying safety in numbers? I am 36 years old, and I’ve been going into gay bars since I was 19 (my older brother and I looked enough alike that I used his ID and breezed on through, but that explains why to this day I know my brothers license number) and I have never seen some guy having a blow job thrust upon them in the bathroom of a gay bar. Never! I have been to gay bars in Cleveland, San Francisco, Chicago, Washington DC, Berlin, London, Amsterdam, Toronto, Bangkok and I’m sure a few other major cities in the world, and I have never seen a group of homos pinning some poor, unsuspecting hetero boy against the wall and sodomizing him. (Which, of course, leads to the alternative, that any time I’ve seen it, everyone seems a pretty willing participant.)

So what is it that puts the fear of homos into the hetero boys? I don’t go to straight bars and fear that some woman is going to hit on me. I better not, because it happens. Often enough. Even at work, there have been women who flirt with me, tell me that if I only wasn’t gay…

But I don’t flip out about these things, I don’t panic, and I don’t hate them for it. What is the hetero response to gay boys? Fear, anger and violence. I’ve never heard of hetero bashing. Us queers might throw the occasional biting remark towards some homophobic boy, but those don’t hurt as much as baseball bats to the face.

I always think back to something that happened in college, before I was completely out of the closet. This was 1990, and I was in the community shower in our dorm with 2 other guys. One guy I will call Dan, a nice guy who was shy, tall, skinny and not an athlete. When I say skinny, I mean he was probably 5’11” or so, maybe 130 lbs soaking wet. I have heard about him from time to time since then and he has never told anyone that he is gay. The other was some fat, hairy football player I will call Rocco. When I say fat, I mean like 5’9” 300 lbs, and when I say hairy, I mean thick black hair covered almost all of him, front and back, ie if he was naked, you mistakenly thought he was wearing a sweater. I only remember the incident because of what happened a few hours later, as we finished like always and left the shower, thinking nothing of it at all.

Later on, Rocco is in a common room with some of his buddies, all stupid fucking jocks, and I was sitting at another part of the room reading. Rocco said that he was taking a shower this morning and Dan was there, so he was afraid of dropping the soap in the shower, and they all laughed. I stood up, walked over to him and looked down and said “What?” He looked up at me and said “I don’t know what he’d do if I bent over.” I looked down at him and said “Vomit, probably.” I wanted to go off and scream in his face, yell “You fucking idiot, no one really wants to see you naked, let along touch you! Why would you assume that Dan would want to ever want to fuck you, you hateful, disgusting little troll!”

Instead, I shook my head, said “Idiot” and walked out the door. Since that day, I have been trying to figure out what hetero men think is going to happen to them if they spend time around gay men. Has one of them been raped? Has one of them been touched in such a way that they have been damaged for life?

In 1997, my ex, Joe, and I went to Toronto Gay & Lesbian Film Festival, and saw the documentary “Licensed to Kill.” In it, filmmaker Arthur Dong interviews a bunch of men who are in jail for killing gay men, and one guy justified his killing some gay man because the touched his arm, and he felt this guy was flirting with him.

The two men who killed Matthew Shepard at one point claimed the “gay panic defense,” that romantic or sexual propositions from one gay to a hetero man can cause the hetero man to spark into a rage that is temporary insanity. In reading one article about the gay panic defense, it is noted “No analogous defense pertaining to heterosexual encounters has been recorded.” Lucky for those hetero men who hassle women, eh?

I just don’t understand the fear, the anger, the hate that accompanies this stupidity hetero men have about homosexuals. I don’t understand what it is that brings this out of what are usually normal men with logical, cogent thinking.

My title is from “Team America: World Police” which I recently saw, and just had to quote that line, as it is about as fucked up a line as I’ve ever heard spoken in a major studio release starring marionette puppets.

I’m not going to smile today, I’m not gonna laugh, you're out living it up today, I’ve got dues to pay

Sunday – 1495
Monday – 1354
Tuesday – 1337.3

Those are the calorie intakes I’ve had this week so far. And those are typical of the first 11 days that I’ve been doing this diet.

Monday – 380
Tuesday – 386

Those are the calories burned while running on the treadmill, as estimated by the NordicTrack counter. So, using math (which I admit I don’t use often since high school, as I did anything I could to get out of any math courses in college) that is approximately 25-30% of my calorie intake I am using running. I do have a completely sedentary job, and really, most of the rest of my free time these past 11 days has been taken up with preparing meals and watching television while eating said meals. But, if everything everyone has told me is true, I should be burning the extra calories I am consuming doing regular activities of daily living. So the pounds should be melting off, once my body adjusts to this diet and I have used the excess fat storages my body has built up. I just want to know when that will be.

Actually, I have no problem with this diet plan, like I thought I would. No real hunger pains, not many thoughts of eating extra foods. But this is the honeymoon of the diet. I promised myself 2 solid weeks of writing down everything I eat and 6 weeks of the diet total before I would reevaluate. I have written everything down that I’ve eaten and counted up every calorie. Even when I’m making something that lends itself to putting excessive on a spoon or butter knife (like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches) I don’t lick the excessive PB off of the knife. That would be some extra calories.

It is times like this that I am happy that I live alone. I think I’d look like a complete lunatic to someone looking on. I actually had to get 57 grams of brown rice last night, and I was actually throwing it on the scale about 2 rice pieces at a time when it got close. I measure 4 teaspoons of PB exactly for the sandwich. I weigh each piece of turkey ham before I put it on a salad.

I have made this whole diet thing into a sort of science project for myself. It keeps my interest. I know I should just be doing it for the health reasons, but I have to work it like it is something else or I lose interest. It is like how I do shopping. I have to shop for the absolute lowest price on just about everything. If I think I am paying more for something I won’t buy it. That includes in stores or on the internet. I am willing to wait, I am ready to take my time and keep notes to make sure that, whether it is a pound of cheese or a DVD, I am paying the lowest possible price. And I include gas and/or shipping price when taking this into consideration. I don’t drive 30 miles out of my way to save a dime.

As you leave me please would you close the door and don't forget what I told you

Ran for 30 minutes last night while watching “Footballers Wives.” Actually, on my DVD it is noted to be “Footballers Wive$.” Those Brits are damn clever, I tells ya, and spot on! The funny part is that, because the TV in my office with the treadmill is old and has an terrible speaker, I always have to put the subtitles on when I run if I want to know what is going on in any DVD I watch. Well, after I finished running last night, I had about 15 minutes left on the episode I was watching, so I sat at my desk and turned off the subtitles…and couldn’t understand half of what was being said, especially by Ian, so I turned the subtitles back on. And then Kyle, played adroitly by Gary Lucy, took his robe off and got into the tub…and I didn’t need subtitles for that one. That Gary Lucy is beautiful! I want him to be the next ex-Mr. James.

Ate my food last night, which included manicotti, and I must say, this diet is going quite well, at least from the food satisfaction part. I enjoy most all the food I eat (had puffed rice this morning, and even with strawberries, not much taste in that breakfast) and I am eating mostly raw veggies and fruits, and that is good eatens!

The weather is slowly heating up, the sun comes out a bit more often, and I am ready for baseball to start. I got some bad news for me personally for softball. A good friend of mine has decided not to play softball this season on our team. It is for some health reasons, and I hope that he uses the time off to get healthier. I LOVE playing softball with this friend, and it is one of the little things that makes me want to play. He is a baseball nerd, and he & I will talk strategy during games, talk of what we should be doing as a team, defensive strategies, and it is so fun. He is also one of the best first baseball I’ve played with in this league. He can play a bounce from third and still know where the runner is up the line.

It has actually made me not want to play this season. And I will say that this is the first time in about 11 seasons of playing in this league that I’ve thought about not playing. The teams keep changing for any number of reasons, and there is always drama and shit going on, but my friend and I have played together for about 4-5 years, and it has been fun to show up, play, rehash afterwards, have fun with it. And now, not so sure.

But the Pirates season starts in 6 days, and part of life will be much better for me. I think before the season starts, I will make my own predictions and then people can make fun of me for them in October (or July if I am way off!)

You don't have to watch Dynasty to have an attitude

Well, another weekend has come and gone…and I’ve done not much of anything. Cleaned around the house and such, and yesterday Chris & I put up a new shower curtain rod in the bathroom (it is bowed so that it gives you more room in the shower – very nice!)

Eating plan was right on schedule all weekend. So now I’ve gone 8 days with 1600 calories or less each day. It is getting easier and easier each day. The only thing that is annoying is preparing each meal. So yesterday, after putting up the shower curtain rod, Chris & I went to TGI Friday’s for lunch. I had the tilapia bruschetta, which comes with wild rice and steamed broccoli, and the menu says that the meal was approximately 500 calories and 10 g fat.

I ran Thursday, Friday & Saturday, so that is 5 times last week. I like that schedule, and am going to try to duplicate it again this week. I keep pushing it faster and faster, and on Saturday I ran the last ½ mile at 6 mph. I want to keep up that pace. I’ve also got a new TV show to watch while running – Footballers Wives from Britain. I don’t normally watch those soaps/dramas, but I got the first season on the cheap, and the guys in it are hot, so I picked it up. I do enjoy it, and was excited to see that they are in the fifth season of the show now, so I’ve got a lot more to watch!

So I weighed myself yesterday at my mother’s house. And I had not lost a pound yet. I weighed the exact same that I weighed when I went to the Doctor’s on March 10. I know it has only been 7 days, but how is it possible to run 5 times a week, which, according to the read out on the treadmill I should be burning about 350 calories after I finish, eat less than 1600 calories per day and STILL not lose even a pound. Nothing.

Just to let everyone know, when I was done at the doctors, I went to my parents home and used her scale and it was exact with the doctors office. I have done that several times after being weighed at the doctor’s office and my mom’s scale has always been accurate.

I had two people ask me on Saturday if my clothes felt like they fit different. No. None of them do. I notice no change whatsoever in my weight. And I doubt that it is all some muscle gain that is compensating for the weight loss.

Having said that, I am not going to panic. I am going to do this for 5 more weeks, at the least, and really evaluate the whole food intake at that time. If it is working for me at that time, all the better. But if it isn’t, I don’t know what the next step will be. I won’t panic thinking about that at this time, though. All good things and that.

Last note, this is my 50th post. I am surprised that I have lasted 50 posts. I am happy that I have kept doing this 50 times, and I know it has helped me. I hope that after 50 more, all will be working well and I might not need to write as often about my weight/exercise program. I am not happy to be this weight, and it, at times, has been a struggle to write about it. Here’s hoping you don’t have to read about it for a long time.

Take me away from here, up where the air is clear, and there's nothing to do. And nothing to say

A total of 1488.14 calories and 23.1 g of fat yesterday.

Steak & potatoes. That is what I had for dinner last night. With some carrots/broccoli/cauliflower veggie mix. It might have been the best fucking steak I’ve ever made myself in my entire life! If I was one prone to hyperbole, I’d say it was the best fucking steak I’ve ever eaten, but that goes to the filet mignon I had at Ruth’s Chris Steak House last November (thank you Carl!).

I just think that other than last November, I couldn’t tell you the last time I allowed myself mashed potatoes, and they just go so well with a steak.

Ran for 30 minutes when I got home, setting the treadmill on 5.7 mph for the last 10 minutes. Got a good sweat in, and that made me feel good. I was hoping to be running longer by the end of March, but I think I will try to set it at 6 mph for the last 10 minutes of my 30 minute runs next week.

As it is the first week of Spring, we here in Pittsburgh got our first snow fall of Spring yesterday. Nothing much, just a dusting, but nonetheless, a snowfall. It was actually a mild winter, which I was quite happy for, what with me for the first winter having to deal with a long, downhill driveway that empties directly onto a major road that is slippery with some ice/snow on it. But hey, I bought the house knowing about the driveway, so I can’t complain.

Spring has brought the one thing I do hate – allergies! Even with the snow and cold weather, my allergies are kicking into gear. I come into work all snotty, drippy and sneezy (3 of the 7 dwarfs?), and really, no one wants to think about all day long. I didn’t used to have allergies, or I should say that I didn’t know I had any. Prior to quitting smoking, any snottiness and sneezing and drippiness was attributed to the side effects of smoking. About a year after I quit smoking, I was still snotty, drippy & sneezy, and my doctor was talking to me about medications, and was surprised to learn that I didn’t know I had allergies. They aren’t too bad, but they do get annoying when I get snotty, drippy & sneezy.

So many times I've played around I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing

Woops. Yesterday, I cut out a few things I wasn’t interested in for the meals, and I ended up with only 1073.3 calories for the day. My doctor pointed out when he told me about the lower calorie diet that I didn’t want to try to get too low on calories at first as my body will think that it is being starved, and it will go into survival mode. I don’t think mine will do that, but I don’t want to tempt it. I didn’t realize how few calories I had until right before I went to bed when I added them up.

Today, I have tuna salad filled tomatoes. I am not a big fan of tuna, but it isn’t the worst food. I was talking yesterday about the few foods I don’t like. I can only think of a handful, like liver, green olives (pimento?), anything in grape leaves, that I won’t eat. Ever again.

Well, I mention these as tuna has been on that list for most of my life. I don’t like the canned tuna, usually. I have had some tuna steaks that aren’t bad, but the “chicken of the sea” stuff has usually turned my stomach. And for lunch today? Tuna salad (made with one teaspoon of light mayo) stuffed into tomatoes. Oh how far I have come.

I ran for 30 minutes again last night, and it felt great. I think next week I am going to try to push myself more on running. I’ve gotten used to the 30 minutes, and the routine I’ve been doing. It feels good to be able to run for that time, when 6 months ago I barely able to do 18 minutes, and half of that was brisk walking.

I have an update from Toby, my supposed pseudo-homeless friend. He seemed to find some wealthy guy in California to send him enough money to take a train trip to Los Angeles. And a cell phone. He keeps calling me on his 4 day journey through the good old USA to give me updates (“Milwaukee is boring,” “Colorado is very snowy,” “New Mexico is very hot.”) Last Friday he called me about how cold he was as the place he was staying at didn’t have heat or some such thing, and I told him he could stay at my place for an evening if he wanted to do it. And 2 days later he is on an all-expenses paid trip through this country, with cash on hand and a free cell phone to boot! How is this fair?

He gets fired from his job, goes psuedo-homeless, and decides to have an all-expenses paid vacation in California? And this is about the third time in the 7 years I’ve known him that he has lost a job and somehow landed on his feet, or at least had the opportunity to take time off without worry about money. And how does he do this, you may ask? I am loathe to be so crass, but frankly, it is his enormous endowment. He was talking to some guy on the internet, prior to losing his job, and this guy was asking him to visit him in Los Angeles. When I asked why this guy was interested after a few internet conversations (and I have pointed out that Toby isn’t exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer) it turns out that Toby’s picture on his profile is him naked, hanging halfway down to his knees. And doesn’t that make him a prostitute?

Fuck! Now I am angry at myself for feeling so sorry for him, when really, he was just playing the field, waiting for the right offer.

But I'd give my horn just to see my homeland, I'm a lone rhinoceros

1615.3 calories, 28.75 g fat. That is what I ate yesterday. Not bad start to the diet.

Chris & I went out shopping (where Chris was spending like a drunken Kennedy), and at one point, we were going through a food court at a mall, and I was tempted, but I held tough and went home and had chicken/pineapple/water chestnut dinner. And 6 saltine crackers. With fat free cheese. Yummy!

Actually, it wasn’t all bad. I wasn’t hungry at any point in the day. It wasn’t like I didn’t have the energy to do what I had to do. I just had the urge all day long to be eating food and eating food and eating food.

One really fun part of doing this specific diet is that I had to buy a food scale yesterday. You can’t really judge 7 ounces of cubed chicken without one. I can’t eyeball a 5 oz. sirloin steak, so I needed it. I will now use it to measure all kinds of crazy things, but not my cats as the scale is only good up to 11 pounds. And my cats are getting to be much bigger than 11 pounds.

Here is confession time. I didn’t run on Saturday. I wanted to run, but after working at the theatre on Friday I was shattered (that is my new british slang term!) and Saturday morning my legs were still in pain, and I had to work another 6 hours Saturday afternoon, so I decided not to run Saturday, and then I don’t run on Sundays, so I only ran 4 times last week. The ironic part is that on Friday, after I finished running, I told Carl I felt like I could have run 5 more miles. I felt great running, wasn’t exhausted, had a good pace and it was working great.

And, this is the second week in a row where I’ve only run 4 times/week. I want to keep up with running 5 times/week. If I do this low calorie diet and don’t lose weight due to not running enough, I will be quite upset, to say the least.

It is only 10 am, I’ve eaten what I was allotted for breakfast, and I feel I could eat the ass out of a dead rhinoceros right now. As long as there was cheese on it, of course.

The first cut is the deepest, Baby I know the first cut is the deepest

The only person who zestfully accepts change is a convert. In alternate, the ex-whore is the most vociferous opponent of prostitution. (who will give me 50 cents for that word, eh?)

To give you an example, as most know, I used to smoke cigarettes. A lot of them. For over 10 years. It all started when my friend Bill & I were 15 and he said “Let’s smoke,” to which I replied “I’ll buy the cigarettes if you let me…”oh, whoops! Umm, never mind. I won’t tell that whole story. I come off looking like a crazy, sex fiend queer, and too many people think that about me anyway.

Fast forward almost 11 years, and I was still smoking. And gasping for air. And wheezing. I developed a problem with chronic bronchitis. Which had actually put me in the hospital for a few days my senior year in college. So it was my 26th birthday, and I was spending the evening rolling around with two beautiful men…oh wait. Again, I think I’m going to stop there or I’ll come off as some oversexed Grace Jones with a penis (although the jury is still out on whether Grace has one dangling down there or not.) I wake up and my throat is sore, and not for the usual good reason. I can feel the beginning of bronchitis. You know you have bronchitis from this thick feeling in your breathing, and it is seconded by the…wait. You know what, if I’m not going to give you the dish about my sex life, I will not be so rude as to subject you to the color, texture and consistency of my phlegm. That is just my rule of thumb. Many people think I have questionable morals as it is, I don’t need the rest to think that I can only dish out the sick parts.

Fast forward a few weeks. I was sick as I think I’d ever been and wasn’t even sleeping at this point as I could barely breathe. Interestingly, my boss at work never advised me that I had the ability to take paid sick leave. At the time, I worked on the phone, and when I got sick, I couldn’t take two breaths without coughing and hacking, but he put my filing to do keep me at work. From coughing that month, I pulled a muscle in my back. Then, while still at work, I coughed and felt some sharp pain in my side. My doctor told me I bruised a rib. That was the part when I couldn’t sleep. It got to June 28, and still, through all of this, I smoked cigarettes. Like a fiend.

Then, on June 29, I was in such pain and was having such trouble that my boyfriend, Joe, brought me to the ER. They admitted me for tests and such, and as I was going to stay overnight I told Joe to go home, and I was sure I’d be fine. I was hooked up to machines and IV’s and all that crap. I woke up at some point in the evening, and I thought “If I could just take out the IV’s and pull the monitors off, I could sneak down the steps and have a cigarette.” After trying to come up with a plan, I realized it was quite insane to think of doing it. And that is when I decided to become an ex-smoker, smoked my last cigarette the next day, June 30, which was also Joe’s 30th birthday. We both quit. I have remained an ex-smoker for over 10 years now. I have heard that Joe started smoking after we broke up.

As many of my friends will attest to, I am the most anti-ex-smoker there is. I take every chance to rail at smoking and the need for smokers to all become ex-smokers. It is because I have been to the worst part that smoking will bring people, the sickness, the smell, the inability to breath, the diminished sense of smell, and I have come back from that and realized that I am so much healthier not smoking. And there is no way I could run the way I do if I was still a smoker.

So it is this personal quality that I am bringing to my new diet. I went out and bought all the different foods necessary for the weeks supply, and I have given away all the foods that might tempt me in the coming weeks (and that includes 4 pounds of cheese I had lying around! FOUR POUNDS OF CHEESE! Given away! Oh, that hurt!) I did go out with a bang, and ate a pound of bacon yesterday. (Sad for me to realize that 10 years ago, “going out with a bang” included at least 2 naked men in my bed, and now it is all about the bacon! What has happened to me?) I made sure every meal had some bacon in it (it didn’t seem as bad as a whole pound as it was a thick cut, therefore less strips to use up) and some cheese as well. Though not as much as the bacon.

And this morning, I was rewarded with 4 pancakes with fresh blueberries, sugar free syrup and butter, all in acceptable amounts. Yes, pancakes are on my new diet. And plenty of fruits & veggies. I don’t know how I will journal about it, though I will for the first few weeks keep a note pad about everything I eat. I will try not to bore you with all the details (this entry certainly is lacking in specific details that might make people want to read further, though, don’t you think? Or maybe it is now that many have decided to remove me from their “Favorites,” never to be tempted by my amoral ramblings, eh?)

Stop jivin, Now whip out your big ten-inch Record of the band that plays the blues

I am excited to get started on this new eating regiment. I hate using the word “diet” as people have such a bad connotation to this word, when in reality the word diet only means the food and drink intake for a person. Do I am looking forward to starting this new diet. There, I said it and I feel better about saying it. It isn’t that I love what is going to be on this particular diet; it is that I want to get into it and see if it works. I have my doubts.

This week, I’m trying to eat a good bit of the low carb type foods I have lying around for two reasons. 1. to make room for all the new low calorie foods I have to buy this weekend, and 2. I don’t want to be tempted with it next week. Especially the cheese. I think I have about 4 more pounds of cheese in my fridge (or frig, depending on how you look at the language.)

After running for 30 minutes last night, I fried up a pound of ground meat, a pound of hot Italian sausage, mixed it in with a Ragu sauce and put it over my Dreamland low carb spaghetti. I did enjoy it so much, though I think I ate too much of it. But I brought the rest of it to work today for lunch. Healthy, I’m sure.

The one obstacle that I can see in this over the next few weeks are Fridays. For the past 10 years, my mother and I go to different church Fish Fries on Fridays during Lent. (I may not believe in JC and all that, but I was raised catholic, so I feel the need to participate, and since I am meeting Benedictus this summer, I might as well get to know his customs now.) I think I am going to have to work at eating only baked fish at these fish fries, but then I am tempted with perogies, french fries (did “Freedom Fries” finally go away since fuckwad in the White House got what he wanted in Iraq – a complete quagmire?), coleslaw, new England clam chowder, etc. Either way, it is a good time with my mother, so I enjoy that.

A reader asked me how my “friend” was doing since last I wrote he was borderline homeless (hello! there always is the comment section people!). From what I have heard from him, he actually is not specifically homeless at the moment, maybe only sort of homeless. He seems to be able to spend some time at his parents during the week, and then weekends at some other place that doesn’t seem to have a lot of heat.

For those who think this is so mean of me to let someone have such problems while I have my 3 bedroom house alone, hear this: Everyone who knows both me and my “friend” has told me that it would be a horrible idea to let him move in. Even my mother, one of the nicest, most compassionate people I know, has told me that she thinks it would be a bad idea, and actually counterproductive to letting him learn to be more independent.

This is kind of difficult for me, but I am sticking to my guns. He calls about this or that (I am storing a computer for him and other odds & ends), and I have yet to break down and say “Move in to one of my spare rooms.” I am somewhat surprised that I haven’t moved him in, and not for any sex needs, but because I am a liberal deep down and think that he needs a hand to get back on his feet. Just like he did in 1998, then again in 2001, then again in 2004, the other times he has been borderline homeless or actually homeless and I helped him out (moved into my place in 1998, and I loaned him money in 2001 & 2003.) To be honest about him, he did end up paying me back each time he borrowed money eventually, so he isn’t completely a total loser…sort of.

High, higher than the sun, you shoot me from a gun

My physician has decided to scare the hell out of me. That seems to be his new tactic.

So it seems that my cholesterol is high. It is currently at 228. Now I know nothing about cholesterol, but from what he told me, I am in the middle risk level. And it has been going up. From what the doc told me, every time I’ve been tested over the last 5 years, it has been going up, and he doesn’t like this trend. So he has given me a 9 month time frame to lower the cholesterol level or get on a pill to control it.

He did point out that my triglycerides levels are excellent and show him that I have been exercising. I don’t know how that works, but he was happy about that level.

So what scared me? Well, when he said that he wanted to put me on a pill, I made some smart ass remark about how I wasn’t going to get on another daily pill (I already take a pill every day for reflux). So he said to me that if that was truly going to be my attitude, I will have to look for another physician as he treats people to be healthy not people who continually worsen their health.

First off, I had never heard him talk like that, and he seemed actually annoyed with my attitude. Secondly, this is a physician who hates prescribing pills for every little thing, so when he talks about putting me on a pill for cholesterol (and pointing out that once on this pill, it is likely I would need to stay on it for lifetime even if/after the levels reduce) I should have realized that he was serious.

So, after thinking all of this, I will be starting the new 1600/day calorie diet as of next Sunday. I will try to keep this blog updated on what I eat, but it might a bit tougher. The diet he gave me is specific and varied, so I don’t know if anyone wants me to write each ½ banana or ¾ cup of grapenuts that I eat. I might have to be content with just writing that I ate what was on the diet that day instead of the specs. We shall see what happens.

Last night, went after phone conversation with doc and ran for 30 minutes, feeling I needed to run, run, run for my cholesterol. Then I ate some things that aren’t on the new diet, including ½ pound of cheese. But that is ok. It will all be good starting next week.

It'll be just like starting over, starting over

So I’ve been a bad blogger this past week. I kept planning on writing something, and then something else would come up that I would want to write about later. So I will try to summarize most of the week, and get to the big deal.

Ran on Thursday & Friday, no Wednesday. Problem is that when I woke up on Saturday, my ankle hurt. I turned on it Friday night working at the movie theatre. Nothing bad, but it hurt too much. I walked for a few minutes Saturday morning and was just disgusted, so I stopped. I had to work 6 hours Saturday evening anyway, and with my nephew’s leg broken, he takes tickets at the theatre and I took up his usual role of usher.

Food. Let’s not talk about it as it wasn’t my best week.

I went for my annual physical with the doctor on Friday morning. Let me set up the scene. I weighed in and was down 3 pounds, to 248. I was in his office in early November, and told him about the treadmill. On Friday, he walked in to the exam room, looked at me and said “I guess the treadmill didn’t work out,” and then ducked from the tube of lube that I threw at his head (I might have fantasized that last part.)

I explained that I had been running 5 times a week since October 31, with the odd day off here & there, and the 3 weeks in Jan/Feb, and had lost a total of 12 pounds in that time. I showed my frustration at what I perceived as a lack of weight loss. And his comment? “It doesn’t seem the low carb diet is working for you!” No Shit Sherlock!

I have to say at this point that I have been going to the same doctor for 15 years. I like him. I trust him. We are on the same wavelength about my health. I don’t like taking a lot of pills, he doesn’t want me to take a lot of pills. Even when I am sick, he likes to see if my body is able to fight it instead of pumping me with antibiotics. He has explained that approach as helping the body not only build up my immunity system but also so that the antibiotics will work when I really need them.

He is usually very serious about what he says. His bedside manner has been impeccable, twice he has contacted me right after a test has been performed to make sure it went well and I was happy with the specialist (once was an upper GI, where they shove a hose-like device with a camera down your throat – it isn’t fun.)

Once after a frighteningly longer than usual prostate exam, I told him “I usually get dinner and a movie with that,” and he didn’t even break a smile. So for him to make two annoying statements during one physical was rare. (He did make up for it by making the prostate exam very quick. It almost, ALMOST, wasn’t painful and embarrassing. Almost.)

So, in the end, he had a long conversation with me about his thoughts on my weight loss problem. He believes it boils down to calories and calories alone. He wants me to try a 1500-1600 calorie/day diet. He has given me several examples to choose from, and has recommended others (L.A. Weight Loss, Jenny Craig) that are more product specific, and wants me to try 6 weeks of it. If after 6 weeks, if I am strict (and I know I can be strict for 6 weeks) and I haven’t lost any weight (I have a bad feeling I won’t be able to lose any substantial amount) then he will test me for other problems (I am assuming thyroid is on the top of his list.)
I will start new diet next Sunday, as I don’t have time to buy the necessary food to start, and I have none of it in my house (fat free yogurt? What is that all about? 2% milk? Yuck!)

When you try your best but you don't succeed

So I had a great weekend in the DC Metro area, though really, outside of the Coldplay concert, we stayed in northern Maryland and that was OK with me.

This was the second time that I had seen Coldplay on lead singer Chris Martin’s birthday. And to celebrate, he ran up the side aisle and jumped up into the stands 4 seats from me and sang “In My Place.” Yeah me! Excellent show as usual, but Chris needs a shave & a haircut – he looks like the Yeti who had been on tour for the past year. He did say at the end “We’ll see you in a few years,” so I don’t believe that his announcement at the British awards show was a clue that the group was disbanding, just taking a break.

I ran on Friday at Carl’s to the new Steelers Super Bowl XL Champion DVD (on his 50” plasma screen in his loft – way cool!). It is quite the inspiring DVD to run to. Did my 30 minutes and felt great. Which is different from yesterday.

Last night I started running my usual…and within the first 4 minutes, my lungs were burning like they rarely do. My breathing was more labored than usual earlier on during my 2.5 mile run. I didn’t stop, though. I fought through and ran my 30 minutes, though I did take a little break in speed about halfway through. Recovery time was normal. I don’t know why it was tougher than usual, but I am glad I fought through it.

Now to the frustrating news for me. I have not lost a pound since 5 weeks ago when I last weighed myself. Not a pound. Nothing. I didn’t want to write about it Thursday as that is when I weighed myself and I didn't want another blog entry fiasco like the last time I weighed myself. I went to Carl’s and had a fun, relaxing weekend.

Food has been…bad at times. It hasn’t been horrible – except for Friday afternoon I went to the Montgomery Mall and ate 2 cheese pretzel gods from Wetzel’s Pretzels and some waffle fried from Chick-fil-a. A lot of beer & wine. Oh yeah, then the Waffle House on Sunday with Carl, Kyle & Rich. That was a very high carb meal. But those are it. Back to my regular meals this week.

I have my annual physical on Friday. I am hoping all goes well for me. It should, but I am going to question my doctor on why he thinks I am not experiencing much in the way of weight loss. I know there are many opinions, so I think I’ll throw his hat into the ring and see what he thinks. I do know that he has stated in the past what he thinks my goal weight should be, and it is even lower than what my own goal weight was, so he should have some ideas.

Everybody's working for the weekend

Ran yesterday and ran today. 30 minutes, each day, up to 5.3 mph! It is rough, but I’ve been able to keep up with it. I can’t believe I’m able to do this after 3 weeks off when the treadmill was broken. And recovery time is back to normal.

So yesterday I didn’t eat too much. Oh yeah, this week, I’ve been eating some South Beach breakfast bar during the drive to work. Had bacon & eggs with cheese for breakfast around 9 am. Then I didn’t eat t all until 8:30 at night. I at a cheese & bologna sandwich.

My work day was very stressful. And I recognize that part of the reason I had so much work to do was that maybe, just maybe, I kind of pushed some work until the last minute. Well, almost the last minute. Today or tomorrow would have been the last minute, but I’m not at work today or tomorrow, so I couldn’t do it then, and I hate pushing work off on my co-workers. So I worked my ass off yesterday, and was stressed out because of it, and didn’t eat. Good news is that, unless I get an assload of new work these two days I’m off, I should be mostly ahead of the game on Monday! Yeah me!

I’m off to see Coldplay in DC tonight with Carl. Then Kyle & Rich are coming down Saturday, and I am coming home on Sunday. I am hoping for a nice relaxing weekend of picking Carl up off the floor as he drinks more beer & eats more chicken wings than a trailer park momma! We might even get a special visitor, and no, I don’t mean a menstrual type visitor! We are gay men, not women!

Oh, and I think I might trade my Mazda with Carl’s BMW. I figure it will be 3 days before he knows the difference. They are both manual, both have Sirius and both have 4 doors. But mine does have the sunroof, so he might figure it out sooner than I think. Damn sunroof I can’t use in the cold weather.

Well, I’m off in a few hours, so let me shower, pack and get on the road.

Loverboy - not too pretentious.

you think that I don't even mean a single word I say. It's only words and words are all I have

I am adding a new word to my personal lexicon:

Bumfuzzle (bum' fuz el) – the art of one person to confuse you without reason to do so.

I found this online:

American Heritage Dictionary has it (used chiefly in the southern United States, means "to confuse," and probably derives from some combination of "bamboozle," "fuddle," and "fuzzy."),

Random House Unabridged dictionary notes the term originated around 1900, again “to confuse.”

The Merriam-Webster Unabridged notes bumfuzzle is an "alteration of English dialect, 'dumfoozle' and 'dumfound.'"

My favorite is one web site that has this to say about the word Bumfuzzle: “The best part about the term is since most folks ask you what it means, as soon as you say it your seeing it in action!”

Someone I work with remotely used the term, and I giggled when she used it. And then the next day, I giggled some more. And I thought, if just using a word can make me giggle so much, I am either mentally handicapped, high, or the word is just that damn funny. And since I've never used drugs and don't remember being tested for mental deficiencies, it must be that the word is brilliant.

So get ready to be bombarded by my new favorite word – Bumfuzzle!